Summertime Funk and Birthdays

It’s a difficult one, when you fall into a funk. I’m quite sure that pretty much everyone in 2020 have felt some form of emotional (or non emotional) negativity this year. I’ve predominantly done well so far. I’ve managed to, as you well know from previous blogs, hang on to some semblance of normality. The problem is that it’s August, which means the existential dread of my birthday is spent looming over my shoulders, amongst other things.

I won’t go into full detail but my 30th birthday was hell on earth and basically I’ve struggled with that date ever since. I try my best not to allow my past to dictate my feelings on the present but sometimes it just takes over and I get dragged down into memories that I never want to see again, let alone talk about them. People do the normal “but it’s all a state of mind! It’s only another day!” Bull crap - once you have association to a particular date it’s hard to take your mind away from that. 

Someone in my past went out of their way to take any form of excitement away from turning another year older and they succeeded. They took a piece of me on purpose, for their own power and control and left me a complete mess of which I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces of ever since. It may sound super dramatic when I describe it in those words but the one thing that I’ve learned is that I’m not the only one who’s been through that. It turns out there’s been many. I used to feel stupid and weak talking about it until I realised just how much I wasn’t alone. I’m pretty much there these days, I don’t consider myself broken and I don’t tend to dwell on all of it... but as I said, August anxiety just starts to creep in and bring it all back whether I like it or not.

I’ve got a bit better about my birthday the past few years. Ever since the negative, I’ve been attempting to force positive experiences on myself on the day. It’s worked well to a point, Dan and some of my friends have been super understanding about this and have gone out of their way to try and help me push nicer thoughts to the forefront of my mind. The past few years have in turn been far nicer experiences but it still doesn’t take away that anxiety and fear of September looming around the corner. I just can’t seem to kick it far from my mind no matter how nice a day I end up having. 

This week hasn’t helped; It’s been particularly crap. I’ve lost one of my long term foster kittens for no good reason at all which broke my friends, and my own heart. It made no sense, we didn’t see it coming and after 5 months of full on miracles it hit hard to us all. I’ve also injured myself running, so much so that I’m struggling to sit - let alone do the normal things. This means that I’ve basically been indoors, by myself for a week now. The odd little bit of social contact has been very few, and very far between. Now, I’m a self confessed introvert and as a rule I normally love spending time on my own, however when it’s forced upon oneself you tend to start going a little bit bonkers. Dwelling on every little corner of the mind that normally you have under control and locked away. There’s potentially a lot of good things coming around the corner, but for now they’re around the corner and not directly in my line of sight. Tunnel vision at it’s finest.

Another part of all of this funk, it doesn’t help that I’m still constantly missing Nan. She’d have turned 99 this year, the day before my birthday. I’ve written about Nan a few times. She was a firecracker and a very strong role model in my life. I think about her regularly, and this time of year now gives me a certain sadness that I cannot escape. We always had a card and a hug ready and waiting for each other on our birthdays and the bond was so very strong between us. (64 years and a day!). Even after I moved to Egypt we spoke via skype on a regular basis. I’ve been in tears a few times about her lately, some things carry on hurting no matter how much time passes.

That reminds me...I still feel guilty: two years ago I managed to confuse the poor old girl by getting my days mixed up. I called her up on the 3rd (her birthday is the 4th) and she kept telling me it was tomorrow, and I kept insisting the 4th was today. I did this so much that she ended up accepting that it was the 4th until the nurses insisted it wasn’t! Well done Jen.

I’m sure this will all pass again. It always does. As per usual it takes a good cathartic write down of what’s in my mind to make me feel at least a little easier. Maybe ill publicise his post maybe I wont, I just needed to put it down into words. Roll on 35 and heading on the up hill to 40,

Friendships: Kicking out the Toxic

I think I might have grown a little as a person in the past few weeks. Or maybe it’s been over a period of time and I’ve just not really noticed until now. I almost want to give myself a small pat on the back after a few incidents of late.

Now I know that EVERYONE has the odd self indulgent moment, we all have our own narcissistic traits that manifests in different ways. Humans, as a species, feed off praise of others - jealousy and self love. Admittedly even writing this blog is some way of me wanting validation from others for my own ego. We all know it, we don’t always discuss it but I guess at least I’m frank about it. I enjoy getting my thoughts down on a multitude of subjects with the hope that others will want to read about what’s going on in my brain.

Anyway - The basis of this post starts here: I’ve always tended to surround myself with with lost causes, narcissists and toxic types. Sadly, wanting to always help someone in need has meant that I always end up bogged down and listening to a multitude of problems, issues, rants and somehow ending up taking an emotional hit from it at the same time. I even ended up in a toxic, abusive relationship because of this; and whereas, he definitely was to blame - it was still my endless need to help and empathise with him that kept me there, and unable to walk away. That’s all past history and not for discussion here though, one day I might actually write up that trauma, but not today Satan, not today!

I had an ex “friend” get in contact recently. I kicked them out of my life well over a year ago after I got fed up of being used an emotional punchbag and abused from my kindness. I called them out on their behaviour. I wrote them a nice, polite message on why I was upset and the proof was in the pudding: they did not discuss why I was upset with them, they just said “have a nice life!” They then proceeded to block me on every platform. I’d known this particular person a few years. I don’t make friends easily at all, I’m very much like marmite.. I get misunderstood very easily and unfortunately I have a way of being so very blunt that people (especially women) don’t take to me. Up until recently, this used to bother me... now I’ve found it as a strength. I just use it as a filtration process to find the people that I’ll actually really care about, rather than having to change myself to be liked. This particular person could see that this bothered me and used it to their advantage... they kindled a friendship with me very quickly by targeting the fact that I’m introverted and I struggle to make connections.

At the time of feeling used, Dan had asked me whether this person added to my happiness in life, did they enrich it in any way? I couldn’t answer yes because, in all honesty, I wasn’t getting absolutely anything from this friendship except for negativity and a low mental battery. I had invited this “friend” to Egypt and given this person my spare room on multiple occasions, an almost free holiday especially as I’m the type to look after someone when they stay. I’d given them free photo shoots to help with their work - of which they’d then actually received job offers from. Not to mention the taxing around in my car, errands run, and emotional hours I’d spent listening to their personal and their life problems that never seemed to go away. It was only when I started to pull away from offering the freebies that suddenly the nature of the friendship changed, and it was then I started to truly notice the toxicity. There’s plenty more to add to this, but I don’t really want to give them writing space.

I was shocked when they got in contact. Very much so. Even more so when I started reading through the initial contact. It contained no apology, nothing! In fact, they somehow managed to say they often think of me with warm feelings and understand we were in bad places at the time. Huh? Sorry? This is most certainly not how I remember it! I actually wasn’t in a bad place whatsoever, I was doing really well for a change. So much so, that this was when I’d decided that I wasn’t going to be a doormat anymore. No1 manipulation right there. I read on in disbelief as then they also then proceeded to write a giant essay... all about them and them alone. The redacted short version for this blog was that supposedly they’re doing really well in life and that they wanted to thank me for being part of the process of helping them heal. I repeat.. huh? It was a tonne of self indulgent poppycock written out to make one feel better about themselves... and obviously not me!

I’m not really entirely sure what they expected from this. Did they think that this letter would actually work? That I’d leap open arms back into a friendship that was very much one sided?  The essay about themselves was so particularly delusional I genuinely believe that they need help. It saddened me but it also brought forward that I was completely right in kicking them out of my life in the first place. I blocked them straight away from this platform. I don’t need this in my life. (THERE! There’s the pat on the back moment, Right there, Jen!)

 

I’ve had a few instances like this recently. Some moments with people whom I always thought would be in my life but I’ve woken up and realised that all they do is drain me. I’m in my mid thirties and I’m just beginning to scratch the surface of my own needs and wants from other people. Maybe it’s because I’ve discovered proper decent non-toxic friendships in the past few years. The types of friends that are actually there when you need them and are happy just with your company and no other strings attached. No drama, no bullying, no second guessing your own opinion at all times, no judgement. That’s what friendships should be. They’re few and far between and it’s only now am I really beginning to feel the true value behind this, and actually I’m worthy of this kind of friendship.. not one where I need to be helping at all times... We can all grow and find our own needs with time. It’s my time now.

Lockdown Guilt and Imposter Syndrome

As previously stated in my last blog: at the beginning of June I had a bit of a wobble. When I state a bit, I lied... I actually had quite a big one. Unusual for me. I haven’t felt that low in quite a few years and it was particularly disconcerting not to feel like I was going to pull out of it anytime soon. Perspective is everything and despite the fact that really, my situation isn’t really that bad; the wobble was very much needed. Quite rightly so, nothing of what I’m living had I signed up to: I’m living in another country with no support (I have the odd friend, but my existence here isn’t particularly the most social in the beginning, let alone after lockdown started! My own choice as I’m quite the introvert but also, my good friends are actually stuck in other countries waiting to return to Egypt!)  My husband is stuck in the back end of the Middle East with no way of returning, my parents confined to their house back in the UK and me stuck in between. For a few weeks even the animals were beginning to test my patience. I’ve taken on a lot with Cervantes, my street cat project. (I’ll write about his story another time.. let’s just say it’s not been particularly easy and he’s very time consuming.)

A few people at the time had suggested that I get one of the repatriation flights back, but they seem to miss the point that El Gouna is my home. This isn’t a holiday, this has been my home and my life for over four years - I cannot just jump ship back to the UK without consequences. My life here, my cats and my dog would still exist. It’s amazing how easily people just assume that I am still just on a giant holiday here. I guess perhaps you don’t really “get” it until you visit and realise that this is life. My life. 

I got through the wobble, obviously. I still credit the kayak as one of the things that grounded me. However, now I’m almost experiencing the opposite - Lockdown Guilt, with a pinch of enjoyment? I’m still stuck. Dan is still stuck until god know’s when, each month we promise ourselves and hope that the outcome will change and yet it seems to change for the worse at the moment. We were meant to have spent June together. Instead we just sit here and every day count the hours, chat about day to day annoyances with not much to report back on. I miss him something chronic, but I’m a lot more at ease with it now. Don’t get me wrong.. I hate every damn moment of it, but I can’t change it, all I can do it sit and support and try and keep positive. He has his own issues - mostly revolving stupidity of others, and major fallout thanks to being in a ridiculously poor country rifled in Corona, but that’s another story and not mine to tell. (I’d love to though, his anecdotes keep me in stitches for hours). 

I’ve started to revel in being here, doing my own thing and from that I’ve started to feel guilty. I don’t know if it’s the Endorphins or having a purpose, but my feelings have bucked up a lot. I’ve got deeply into exercise the past few weeks. The Twitter posse, mostly the running community have been a bit of a lifeline on top of the kayaking. Mel, Myrna, Paul, Chris, Darren et al... you’ve all been a major help to me. Your positivity, guidance (and jokes!)  have really kept me focused into challenging myself which is normally what I shy away from. I’ve somehow managed to do a full 180 degree turn, and using that misery against something positive. Now I just need to keep it up. I also have the added bonus that my brother, Neil is now a running addict. (Words I thought that I would NEVER write). He’s lost a tonne of weight, got fit and we have a promise of a half marathon together in 2021. Neil and I are particularly close and I’m beyond excited to be able to share this with him, I’m quite simply over the moon actually. I then in turn feel guilty for actually feeling positive in such a shoddy time - I know it’s all situational and people are suffering and then there’s me trotting along just happy to be doing the bits that I’m doing. The introspective, anxious mind will never just simply let me enjoy a moment, will it?

I joined something called Run Around the World - It’s a split team effort to try and “virtually” Run around the world over the whole of July. I chose Team North, (choices were the obvious East, West, South) the only time that I’ll ever be a Northerner but pretty much all of my friends were in this group already so it made sense. I’ve been running on a treadmill pretty much ever since. I also shall complete the Race to the Stones Marathon today. 42km in 6 days...not bad for a wannabe runner. 

I call myself a wannabe runner, as I definitely have a touch of Imposter Syndrome, I don’t “feel” like a runner. I’m not entirely sure what I’m meant to feel like to actually BE a runner. I feel like someone dabbling in it... but I guess at some point that will change and I’ll feel like I’m actually doing it as a choice and not as not as a force to push myself ( but isn’t that what running is about?) I feel a little daunted by the twitter running community, everyone seems too have amazing race photos, cracking heart and breathing rates and personal bests that I could only ever dream of, but I guess that comes with time. They’ve never been anything but kind and inclusive despite the fact I’m so ridiculously new to all of this. I just have moments of blind panic that I’m not really anything vs these running giants and I’m wasting people’s time. 

I’m running in constant heat either outside (rarely now it’s Summer) or inside at the gym (the air con is only on 25c!) so I’m hoping that this will bring me in good stead as and when the temperatures drop and I can pick up my pace a bit. I guess also, after all the years of being sick and constant illness I’ve never really thought I’d fall into the category of being an athelete of sorts. I don’t feel good enough to be that, despite the fact it’s obvious that somehow I’m finally able to push myself to run 10km, with the aim of much, much more. I always feel like I’m in the recovery stage, not out the other side - always expecting the next fall. I know you could argue that attitude can set me back, but after over 20 years of suffering you kind of just expect it. A psychologist somewhere could probably make wonders out of my mind set, but instead, for now, my musings are put down on my blog instead.

Maybe when I can finally enter proper races, in person and join Park Run back in the UK I might feel a little differently. It also probably doesn’t help that I’ve pretty much run out of running kit. I’m down to two pairs of shorts and one running top. Even my sports bras are beginning to give up the ghost. So if you see any selfies/ photos of me wearing a pink running top, I promise it gets washed every single day! I’m hopefully due a family visit in August, of which I’ve already ordered a tonne of new kit to their house to bring with them.

Anyway,  it’s now 5am and the sun is coming up. It was one of those mornings where sleep was lost on me. Time to get out, walk the dog and then go kill the rest of that marathon. Come on Summer, I’m ready for you so that we can start back to the new normal again. Chop chop.

Sleep Exercise Repeat

As we know, the world is still going a little bit Pete Tong right now. I’m still just keeping my head down and worrying about the big stuff until a later date. I have no idea when life will return to any form of normalcy so I need to stay focused. 

I had a full wobble a few weeks ago.. it didn’t achieve anything, and I was of no use to myself, Dan or anyone else in this period. I still have fleeting moments, panic attacks etc but I’m trying my best just to not focus in. I’ve always been one to take on other people’s issues and negativity and try to help solve it. Forever a sunny outlook, unfortunately, lately, that has been something that I just cannot handle without breaking a little myself. I know people go on about self care but I didn’t quite realise till recently, just how much I needed to practise this.

I keep trying to look to the bright side. You’d think not actually working that I would be bored, when actually I’ve somehow managed to keep extra busy to the point I would really like an extra hour or two added to my day. Between the normal animal issues, I’ve somehow managed to be smashing out the exercise as of late. Mostly running - The Tri Factory’s Stay Safe Marathons have been keeping me busy. Currently on day 4 of 14 attempting another 100km. I’m on track for now (Albeit feeling rather tired today). I’ve made some excellent Twitter friends, of whom we’ve now named ourselves the “Plank Posse” - they’ve made my day with videos of planking with jokes, conversation, poems, excerpts from books. It’s amazing what a bit of positive motivation does for one’s mind, especially when you’re on your own so much. 

 The one thing I’ve been missing from my life is scuba diving: by now I’d be out on the boat at least twice a week and on the hunt for whale sharks amongst just chilling out 15m down. It’s the one place my brain switches off... which for anyone who knows me well knows just how much of a big thing this is for me. First world problems Eh?I guess I need to be thankful that the marine life of the Red Sea are having a well deserved break from us intruding on their turf. I cannot wait to see just how well it is doing once we’re back in the water. A few months is most certainly nothing compared to the life of Coral, or many species of fish but still, it can only but help!

Just over a month ago my friend convinced me to start Kayaking. I’d already bought a blow up one from my friend Leigh, as he was leaving the country. It had sat on my balcony since last October. I kept promising myself I’d go out in it... but I didn’t.  I’m one of these types of people who promises myself I’ll do something for myself and then consistently put it off. Normally I’ll procrastinate and use other people’s needs as an excuse not to do things.  After much convincing from my friend Sandra, and the photos of her out to sea I took the proverbial plunge. The next thing you know I’m addicted. It’s become my absolute passion already. 

My blow up baby didn’t last long she punctured easily.  I keep meaning to repair her (and I shall do so soon!). But in the meantime my friend let me borrow her hard kayak. After an afternoon paddling on that and I found myself ordering a brand new hard base kayak. It’s like I’d learned to ride a bicycle without the training wheels on. A completely different experience, and a wonderfully easy one.  Within an hour my new “Kayaky McKayakFace” (Dan named it.,...) was sitting on the beach just waiting to be used. Now I’m not the type to go buy something straight away, let alone spend that kind of money on myself. But, as I’m not diving and I’m definitely not holidaying/shopping/ going to the gym, I somehow managed to justify the cost to myself. I’m still quite surprised, I would normally feel guilty about spending money yet this time I didn’t care. I still don’t and two weeks later I am so ridiculously happy with my purchase. I will be getting every penny’s (guinea’s) use from    it!  It’s most certainly one of the best things to have come out of 2020 so far for me. Who knew, eh?

 What’s even better is the fact that I can social distance and not disturb the peace whilst doing it. I tend to meet my friend who lives the other side of town midway.. and we decide our route from there. The lagoons of El Gouna make for the perfect route to paddle around without getting bored. No wind days means out to sea, which is even more of a treat. We sit over the corals and watch the world go by. It is almost as good as scuba diving, it seems to have slowed my mind for now, and give me that little bit of peace of which I so desperately needed. The even better result is that it works my upper body, of which I normally avoid like the plague. (I’m thinking we should do away with the saying “avoid like the plague” - considering as proven the past few months that most people do not avoid pandemics!!)

 I’ve even managed to get a tan. I’ve spent so much time in the sun the past few weeks that I’m almost unrecognisable. The day walker may have actually turned into a normal person for once! Factor 50 is still my life - and even then I’ve ended up with a few burns. I just must remember to reapply as much as possible.

Anywho, this is my ramble for the week. I’m sure I’ll try and write again soon, like I keep saying that I will.  Tally ho and all that!

I would tell you a joke about a needle in a haystack, but I don’t think you’d see the point!

I’ve ended up in the same conversation a few times over as of late - stories about being adverse to needles. In-fact, I have a massive phobia of needles that has landed me in some hot water over the years. I thought I’d share them down onto my blog, so that you can all have a great laugh at my expense.

 Now, my background covers a lot of medical experiences and training thanks to a varied work life. I’ve seen so many animal accidents, sicknesses, blood and gore you’d think I’d be used to it by now; but no, I’m really not. It all started back when I was young. My father will always deny this; in fact, he calls me silly for it -  but he started it. He used to chase me, put his fingers at the back of my knees and middle of arms and shout “injection time”. I used to hate it, and even now, I absolutely hate being touched behind my knees or my arms. It makes me feel quite physically sick.

As written about previously, I had major health issues throughout my teenage years. The amount of needles, blood samples, canula fittings I endured must have gone well into the hundreds. All you need is a few bad experiences and BOOM! A phobia is born. Fear is completely stupid, because it’s always completely irrational. But that is exactly what it is. If it wasn’t, we’d all be fearless which in turn would lead to a whole different problem. My fellow animal volunteers find it absolutely hilarious (and perplexing) that I can help with an animal that is falling apart because of a road accident, with blood and guts everywhere... and yet I cannot bring myself to give a small subcutaneous injection under the fur. 

One of the first instances that I can remember is being treated at Great Ormond Street Hospital. The nurses took me to a room, and sat me on a chair to take blood. I always remember my mother specifically telling them that I’d need to lay down as I don’t fair very well...  The next thing I know I woke up on the floor. Mum says to this day that I’d gone the colour of the floor.. a very pale medical green!

I used to be on the DEPPO injection - which is basically the ladies pill in needle form. Once every three months I’d have to have an injection into my butt.. and every three months I’d have the same argument with the nurse about laying down, every time I won. Once time my ex-husband came with me and the nurse was insistent that I just needed to bend over and relax... so I did to prove my point. Once again, I woke up with both the nurse and my ex trying to lift me up onto the table. I was as still and as solid as a rock. Thankfully, she made a note then and there never to give me any sort of needle without laying down ever again. Point proven!

Now one of the more frightening times was a few years ago here in Egypt. 2017 was not a good year for me - I was gravely ill for months - I had an infection that had spread inside my body and really did quite a bit of permanent damage. One of the side effects of the medication (not that I knew it at the time!) was that it gave me tachycardia. On more than a few occasions I’d felt like I was having a heart attack. My heart rate would zoom up to 200bpm without me even doing anything. I had to pop up to Cairo for a tonne of tests as the Doctor in Gouna had told me I had slight heart failure. At 32, with no pre-existing issues. 😳 Anywho, I digress...

One of the main tests needed was a dye based CT scan. They inject the dye into your wrist and 15 minutes late you’re put under the scanner to check the walls of the heart. The nurse was kind of aggressive with the dye. You’re meant to administer it slowly, but no... she shunted that damn needle into my hand like a pressure hose. Dan managed to walk me back out into the waiting room before I keeled over in front of everyone. Interestingly, I had the most amazing dream whilst I was “out for the count”. It was a cool British Winter’s day and I was snuggled up under the most amazing duvet. I didn’t want to move or get up, yet something kept on trying to pull me out of this amazing feeling. I woke up with a start. I was covered in sweat, I had four nurses holding my arms and legs up, smelling salts under my nose and a very upset Dan standing above me. They moved me to a small room to recover, and  fed me apple juice to try and get my sugar levels up. I proceeded to tell Dan about my wonderful dream, and almost how horrible it was to wake up again. He went white as a sheet and asked me not to tell him that ever again. It turns out I’d stopped breathing and had been turning blue for nearly a whole minute after I’d fainted. He’d physically slapped me across my face trying to shock me back into life and genuinely thought that momentarily he’d lost me. I had no clue in my happy little place. Interesting to think that IF that’s the other side, well, I won’t worry so much when it is my time - let’s put it that way. I didn’t tell my parents that story for a good year, purely because I thought they’d freak out. I was right!

Last but not least of these experiences revolves more around Dan in the hospital rather than me! Two years ago he had to experience what I can only call a major operation that NO man would ever voluntarily put themselves through. I will not go into details, but lets just say it left a 8 inch scar in a place that is super uncomfortable even today. Due to the way that hospitals work here ... I became his nurse for weeks, whilst this operation healed. What’s worse is that this operation was open/loose stitched as it needed to be healed from the inside out. (I wont post a picture!). Suffice to say that Nurse Jen was excellent at doing everything except for administering the injections, of which, Dan, the poor soul had to do himself as I found myself going dizzy as soon as I’d mixed the antibiotics to flush into the cannula. 

 The best part of this story though, was the check up two weeks later. When the Doctor heard what I’d been doing he’d invited me to take a look at what he had to do next, which involved removing and re-stitching said area. (It was fascinating, I love this kind of thing!) However, the doctor did most of it without giving poor Dan an anaesthetic. Half way through, he called for a morphine needle... and that’s where it all went wrong for me. As soon as I saw the needle, the room suddenly went smaller. I excused myself to go out and get some air. I went to the toilet to splash myself with water and next thing you know, I’m on the ground. So, I pick myself back up and take myself outside to sit on the marble steps for air... except I never made the marble steps. Well, I did, kind of. I made them by fainting onto them, knocking myself out and smashing my

glasses. I woke up in the bed right next to Dan. The doctor visited me and couldn’t understand where I’d come from.. once again I’d turned so green he didn’t even recognise me! It was only when I managed to choke out that I was with Dan he realised I was the same girl who’d been helping him in the operation not ten minutes before! Lord knows what people must have thought of us that night. I looked a right mess and was still slightly dizzy and concussed, Dan was high as a kite and we both stood outside of McDonald’s, swaying on our own as we downed a large pack of fries and nuggets purely for some energy.

 I’ve had a few hospital experiences since then, fortunately nothing on the same scale as these. The food poisoning and hospital experience that I had last year was so bad that I almost got used to having needles and cannula jabbed into me. I definitely faired better that time...maybe it’ll hold me better stead for next time.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading my adventures with needles. There’s a small tattoo that I would really like to get, yet I still just cannot get over the needle fear, one day... maybe. Until then, no more injections please!

Purpose and over-thinking in Isolation.

I’ve just realised I’ve not posted for a whole year - after losing Nan I just hadn’t really had the enthusiasm to write. I’m not entirely sure that I have any more of that good old enthusiasm at this precise moment, but I feel like I’m losing the will to do anything remotely productive so maybe it’s time. It’s a poor excuse, it’s not exactly like I haven’t had the time for the past year - I’m at my most creative when I have purpose, and this year has been sorely lacking that.

I guess I’m feeling a little stuck. I’m hitting 35 in a few months time -  I hear some of my friends cry whilst reading this statement “You’re still young and able” ...but I’m hitting that age where I’m constantly evaluating my purpose in life and really, I’m really just not sure what I’m doing anymore.

Not that I really believe in “Purpose”. Purpose is a social construct built within our own imaginations. We put these pressures and these constraints on ourselves and what we perceive - to fill out our time to believe that we actually mean something to satisfy our own ego. (Yes, that’s just how much I’ve been over-thinking all of this.). I’m a complete sucker for this, I’m forever managing to put stupid pressures on myself and than beating myself up when I cannot achieve them.

Don’t get me wrong, overall I’m happy. I have a wonderful partnership (despite being apart so much.) I’m also ridiculously privileged to even be sitting in the position that I am right now - I spend my life in a beautiful seaside heaven, rescuing animals and basking in paradise. I don’t want to curse it, but even my health hasn’t been too bad this year bar the odd cold. I’m lucky I’m anti-social and introverted as this whole isolation thing hasn’t to bothered me too much. I walk the dog, I look after the cats, I run, I swim, I cook, I read, repeat.

I shouldn’t be whinging yet I feel quite empty a lot of the time. I know it doesn’t help with Dan being away so much.. especially now as he’s stuck away for so long. We have a plan, we’re sticking to it and the end result is completely worth it. 

This post isn’t about that...

The thing is, I’ve always had purpose. Always. I’ve always been working towards my career, or a business goal. Last year when I stopped working I spent a good six months tearing myself up on the inside because I felt guilty for not playing my part. I’ve worked solidly since I left school. The way I’m built and my anxiety does not like the slow lane - I’m not meant for sitting back and letting someone else look after me. (Dan’s never once said that either, he’s been amazing throughout all of this.)

I’m not taking the “family route“. Due to a few personal reasons that part just isn’t going to happen. So it’s not exactly like I’m waiting to start a family. I don’t mind this, it’s not really a talking point. It just is what it is.

I’ve debated going back into study so many times in the past few months - I’ve even whittled down subjects and all. I just cannot, for some reason make that leap. Something keeps holding me back and I’m just not sure why. Self confidence? So much doubt? Practicality? I’m not even very sure where we’ll be located in a year’s time thanks to Dan’s job so is it even worth spending the money studying when it could end up being a giant stress? It’s what keeps me awake at night. I’m forever contemplating what comes next. Once again, over-thinking is ruining it for me!

I guess everyone is feeling this in some way or other at the moment - time will be the key player - I’m very sure that I’m overthinking this all purely thanks to the demons of isolation taking hold. I must just sit back, stop worrying and reassess in a few months time. It’s just a few months time feels so very long away right now! In the meantime I’m running, cycling and swimming and trying to beat those demons. I’m not good at waiting, I’m not a patient person. I like to be pro-active and not reactive.

I’m very sure I’m not the only one having these moments. If you are, and you’re panicking... please believe me when I say that you’re not alone - I’m always a message, tweet or email away. Feel free to chat to me anytime. If I don’t reply it’s because I’m asleep, or having a moment myself.

I’d love to say that I’ll write more blogs. I want to aspire to ensuring at least a few more entries into the 2020 diary.. but we’ll have to see what that brings. 

My Nan: The Final Part.

Now I know that I am one of the lucky ones in life. My family might not be perfect, we might all have our foibles - but no matter what happens... we all stick together. We are all very close, which is an unusual thing for many, but it is something that I treasure each and every day.

Today I’m in only what can be described as pre- mourning... my whole family are. My poor Grandmother, Audrey, is currently succumbing to an infection that is immune to all known antibiotics. She has been taken off all meds bar pain medication and put on hospice care, which means it’s a case of when, instead of if. We all knew that it was a matter of time, but absolutely none of us were prepared for the turmoil that we are all currently experiencing. Maybe I shouldn’t write about it whilst she’s still here, but I guess it’s my own form of dealing with it, not to mention it highlights a massive flaw in the system, of which I will highlight later in this piece. Nan never wanted this, and dignity is a hard thing to keep in your final days - once lost it is hard to ever find again.

Now, moving away from the current pain of the imminent situation, I want to tell you all about Audrey. I know I’ve previously blogged about her before; five years ago to be exact... when I read the blog over I burst into tears, it’s crazy how time flies and how situations change so graphically.

My Nan is freaking amazing: this woman has had more lives than a cat; surviving multiple strokes, stents, blood clots and septicaemia to keep on going, and would have been turning 98 in September, the day before my 34th birthday. She’s always had a super strong heart, and an even stronger mind. Other than the fact that 98 is an awesome age; Nan has lived through war, multiple monarchy, the forming of the NHS, the turn of the millennium - let alone watching all of our family grow up and make our own paths. This situation is exceptionally bittersweet for me as two weeks ago I married my soulmate and was unable to show her our wedding photos, of which the week before hand she’d told me that she wanted to see. My mum managed to show her one of me and my dress, of which I have to take some comfort from. 

I cannot explain just how much of an influence she has had on my life, let alone other members of my family. As a unit she has always been there to influence or be apart of, and it is a very odd feeling within the family right now. Her wise words have stayed with me over many a matter.

Nan used to live across from my parent’s house, and in her later years my Mum (and Dad) became her primary carers. She survived many years in her house due to Mum’s exceptional care, feeding her lunchtime meals every day, ensuring that she had had everything that she needs and helping her shower and set her hair into her trademark curls every week. My Dad’s fantastic handyman skills kept her house liveable and looking back, probably kept her independent and more mobile than she should have been for a very long time. I spent many a day helping Mum by helping Nan with her personal care, it was never been a bother.. sometimes she would wind me up with her opinions but I was always happy to help. She’s repeat her stories on a regular basis and my eyes would roll trying to remind myself I was damn lucky overall. (See previous blog here: https://jennieedwards.blogspot.com/2013/10/my-nan.html )

What this all highlights for me is that there is one massive problem, one that is taboo to discuss: euthanasia. Nan had said many times over that she was happy and ready to go; no matter how morbid it seems.. she really was. She missed my Bamps who passed all the way back in 2002, and pretty much just existed since.

Now she’s stuck. Nearly 4 weeks ago she experienced two bleeds on the brain that left her in a hospital and bed bound. They discovered this infection afterward... Of which on hearing there was no more treatment my family had to make one of the hardest decisions of this life: to stop all treatment and allow her to pass or to press on after the doctors specifically saying there’s nothing more they can do... not knowing how long that will take, or how much pain she will experience. 

I hate it. We all hate it. It’s this sense of dread and foreboding that you cannot just shake away. A big cloud has hung upon us all. Watch someone you love and care about wilt away in front of your eyes with a terminal sentence that you are not allowed to change to assist in. 

Nan has stated many times over the years that she did not want to suffer. Her cousin Bud passed two years ago as she was walking into Boots; opened the door and just dropped down dead.... rather than being upset, all she could say is that she hopes it’s the same when it’s her time! 

In certain cases like hers I believe that euthanasia should have been there for her. None of this guessing. None of this emotional turmoil and suffering would have even been an option. She could have quite happily passed away a few weeks back. Instead we wake every day wondering if today will be the day, if the morphine is really helping her, if she’s calm in the mind and soothed, if she’s comfortable. The list goes on.

I have to keep reminding myself of the last time I saw her in the care home a few weeks ago, the giggles we were sharing as I showed her how I use Messenger to talk to Dad, who was away at the time. The fact she reminded me every time that Dan was lovely, and it was better to be “an older man’s darling than a young man’s slave”. 

I’m forcing myself of the memories I don’t want to forget. Reminding myself of the time she took me to the doctors to only find I needed an emergency appendectomy. When she and Bamps used to come and see me when I was sick in hospital. The time she chased kids down the seafront for stealing a trolley and had us all in tears of laughter. All the times I set her hair and she told me all about her childhood, the trips by chauffeur to Harrods and Selfridge. How Bamps fell in love with her when she turned 18. The picnics in Hythe with pork pies and a packet of fruit pastilles for my brother and I. Electric blankets in the spare room for when we stayed over and it was too cold. Her Saturday Rock buns that used to go hard half way through the week. The Christmas tree with ancient tinsel and decorations on and not to mention, past but not least, her secret stash of crunchies and dairy milk.

I don’t know quite what to say from here on in. We’re all just plodding on, knowing that the inevitable is going to happen and we can’t do anything about it. 

Note: I wrote this at the end of last week. My Nan, Audrey Edwards passed peacefully in her sleep this morning, Monday 10th June 2019, aged 97. I still stand by everything I put above. I might not be religious but I’m really hoping that she’s been reunited with my Grandfather, Bamps. X  

Thank you to the lovely nurses and Doctors on the Fordwich ward in Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother Hospital, Margate for their care.