Now I know that EVERYONE has the odd self indulgent moment, we all have our own narcissistic traits that manifests in different ways. Humans, as a species, feed off praise of others - jealousy and self love. Admittedly even writing this blog is some way of me wanting validation from others for my own ego. We all know it, we don’t always discuss it but I guess at least I’m frank about it. I enjoy getting my thoughts down on a multitude of subjects with the hope that others will want to read about what’s going on in my brain.
Anyway - The basis of this post starts here: I’ve always tended to surround myself with with lost causes, narcissists and toxic types. Sadly, wanting to always help someone in need has meant that I always end up bogged down and listening to a multitude of problems, issues, rants and somehow ending up taking an emotional hit from it at the same time. I even ended up in a toxic, abusive relationship because of this; and whereas, he definitely was to blame - it was still my endless need to help and empathise with him that kept me there, and unable to walk away. That’s all past history and not for discussion here though, one day I might actually write up that trauma, but not today Satan, not today!
I had an ex “friend” get in contact recently. I kicked them out of my life well over a year ago after I got fed up of being used an emotional punchbag and abused from my kindness. I called them out on their behaviour. I wrote them a nice, polite message on why I was upset and the proof was in the pudding: they did not discuss why I was upset with them, they just said “have a nice life!” They then proceeded to block me on every platform. I’d known this particular person a few years. I don’t make friends easily at all, I’m very much like marmite.. I get misunderstood very easily and unfortunately I have a way of being so very blunt that people (especially women) don’t take to me. Up until recently, this used to bother me... now I’ve found it as a strength. I just use it as a filtration process to find the people that I’ll actually really care about, rather than having to change myself to be liked. This particular person could see that this bothered me and used it to their advantage... they kindled a friendship with me very quickly by targeting the fact that I’m introverted and I struggle to make connections.
At the time of feeling used, Dan had asked me whether this person added to my happiness in life, did they enrich it in any way? I couldn’t answer yes because, in all honesty, I wasn’t getting absolutely anything from this friendship except for negativity and a low mental battery. I had invited this “friend” to Egypt and given this person my spare room on multiple occasions, an almost free holiday especially as I’m the type to look after someone when they stay. I’d given them free photo shoots to help with their work - of which they’d then actually received job offers from. Not to mention the taxing around in my car, errands run, and emotional hours I’d spent listening to their personal and their life problems that never seemed to go away. It was only when I started to pull away from offering the freebies that suddenly the nature of the friendship changed, and it was then I started to truly notice the toxicity. There’s plenty more to add to this, but I don’t really want to give them writing space.
I was shocked when they got in contact. Very much so. Even more so when I started reading through the initial contact. It contained no apology, nothing! In fact, they somehow managed to say they often think of me with warm feelings and understand we were in bad places at the time. Huh? Sorry? This is most certainly not how I remember it! I actually wasn’t in a bad place whatsoever, I was doing really well for a change. So much so, that this was when I’d decided that I wasn’t going to be a doormat anymore. No1 manipulation right there. I read on in disbelief as then they also then proceeded to write a giant essay... all about them and them alone. The redacted short version for this blog was that supposedly they’re doing really well in life and that they wanted to thank me for being part of the process of helping them heal. I repeat.. huh? It was a tonne of self indulgent poppycock written out to make one feel better about themselves... and obviously not me!
I’m not really entirely sure what they expected from this. Did they think that this letter would actually work? That I’d leap open arms back into a friendship that was very much one sided? The essay about themselves was so particularly delusional I genuinely believe that they need help. It saddened me but it also brought forward that I was completely right in kicking them out of my life in the first place. I blocked them straight away from this platform. I don’t need this in my life. (THERE! There’s the pat on the back moment, Right there, Jen!)
I’ve had a few instances like this recently. Some moments with people whom I always thought would be in my life but I’ve woken up and realised that all they do is drain me. I’m in my mid thirties and I’m just beginning to scratch the surface of my own needs and wants from other people. Maybe it’s because I’ve discovered proper decent non-toxic friendships in the past few years. The types of friends that are actually there when you need them and are happy just with your company and no other strings attached. No drama, no bullying, no second guessing your own opinion at all times, no judgement. That’s what friendships should be. They’re few and far between and it’s only now am I really beginning to feel the true value behind this, and actually I’m worthy of this kind of friendship.. not one where I need to be helping at all times... We can all grow and find our own needs with time. It’s my time now.
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