But you don't look sick?!

The victim of any Chronic illness will readily understand the following:

"Hey, how are you today? Are you feeling any better?" - The dreaded opening sentence of basically everyone you have to socially interact with.

You then have two options:

1) I'm fine. 
2) No, I'm really not.

The first one you're blatantly lying through your teeth on.. but by then you're so fed up of the same old rhetoric that you just smile and wave. The people close can spot it a mile off. Others, not so. Some will just gloss over it, others will stop you then and there.

The second option causes a variance of retorts from the patronising "Oh you'll be fine, just give it time" to "Oh no, aren't you ever well?" or how about the famous.. "You're still ill? But you look better!" Then there's that horrible awkwardness afterward, when they ask you to elaborate and you either feel majorly attention seeking, or you're now then boring the pants off the person who asked the question.

You also get this strangely odd feeling, as if you have to validate it. If you're out of the house for an hour or two purely to stop the madness from setting in, or you have a little energy for a change. It's like a slight guilty feeling from the fact you don't look like you're sick for a change.

Lately I've given up on trying to respond full stop.  I've had a multitude of health issues again, that I'm just battling on with. (FYI This isn't a cry for attention, it's just life.)  I'm no different to a vast percentage of the population. In fact, after recent events, I'm feeling quite bloody lucky to have been dealt the cards that I have.

This is just a little blogpost to tell people to be kind to all - You don't always know what's going on behind that smile and wave.

The great thing about hitting a low...

.. is that there's always going to be a high afterwards. Well, I can hope can't I? Having one of "those" days this week. I'm not the negative type but I'm known for having "those" days every so often. I'm not actually on about PMT or women's problems when I refer to this all. So before you get freaked out, icky and leave my blog I'll explain; tis more of a bit of whinge on my blog but hey.. It's always good to talk!

This morning, I got to bed quite a bit past 2am after a busy night (No alcohol involved might I add) . Set my alarm late so that I could get that extra 20 minutes snooze time. I struggle to get out of bed most mornings. I'm quite vocal on the fact I LOVE my bed...but no oh no. ..7am.. Ker-ching! I'm awake, very crabby and knowing that I could get another hour's sleep is not helping the mood. From this moment on I just know life's going to side against me for the rest of the day. I might as well go to work a few minutes earlier, just because I can, then its over and done with. So up I get...  Dress for work. The normal routine.. A tired and grumpy Jen office bound. It's like a scene from Dawn of the Dead....uuuuurrgh.


I'd forgotten a few boxes of worky stuff in my other car so thought it would be clever to take the the DS for a run to offload it. What I'd forgotten was that my office keys are on Eric (The Proton's) set, so I soon to get to work burdened down with boxes to discover that my colleague is off for the day and I have no way of getting into the office. Yippee!


Well, now logic dictates that getting to and from Herne Bay to pick up my other keys would take about half an hour. My other colleagues were due about the same time so I made the executive decision to sit on the little wall beside the office and wait. In the meantime I discover that my phone is dead. I was going to charge it when I got into the office, but of course, that didn't work out... HUFF.. I can't even text! So now I'm locked out my office and unable to call the bossman to let him know where I am and why I'm not answering the damn office phone which I can hear ringing over and over on the other side of the wall. 


By now I'm about to commit homicide unless I get my caffeine fix. Parking had been difficult; I had to walk quite a way to the office. Couldn't be bothered to trudge the boxes back to the car so I head off down into the town in search of my drug of choice, laiden with said boxes. Only discover I left my debit card at home and the only change I have on me is a EURO!! ONE BLOODY EURO!! I grumpily trudge back up to my wall now in a stinking huff. Not knowing the time and half wanting to cry. (I know, I'm a drama queen).
I remember that I have my Ipod in my bag (Yippee!)  and discover that, once again, the battery has nearly failed (Blast!) . I write a sarcastic facebook status (as one does) and then that decides to give up on me too.


Sitting on the wall I contemplated life, space and the possibility of evil blue chickens. Then what feels like a day later, one of my colleagues turns up. I realise when I get into the office that she's actually running mega late so I wasn't going crazy.  So near enough an hour later I'm finally at my desk, cuddling my coffee mug and doing a fine Gollum impression "My Preeeeeeeecious". A few sips of caffiene heaven later I discover my internet is dead to the world. Fortunately it only lasts 20 minutes. I troubleshoot and work my IT magic only for my work email to go up the swanney.  Wonderful. Simply Wonderful.


The last of my woes on this fine Thursday morning.. I get up to make another drink to see weird whitish marks on my chair. I take a closer look to realise it had transferred from my skirt which now has a lovely pebble dash effect. Turns out that sitting on that wall, contemplating life wasn't so clever when it was covered in Seagull crap!


Happy Thursday everyone. This is my saga so far... I've officially given up on today. My bed is calling me. However, just remember what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger and hopefully my day will pick up! ;-) 

Don't take life too seriously; Nobody gets out alive any way.

I was on the phone to my mum this morning when it dawned on me that tomorrow is the 10th anniversary of my Grampy passing, and a week since I had to lose my beloved Cookie. Within seconds I was once again in flood of tears. (I must sound like an emotional screw up to all who read this after my last post!)


My mind cast back onto who I've lost; especially the few in the last few months too, namely my amazing Uncle John. I couldn't help the tears; it never gets any easier, does it? They go and yet we're the ones left behind in pain. I've never dealt with loss well. I hate the idea of not existing any more; which is hilarious really considering everyone technically is a drop in the ocean of life.. It's not exactly like we make the biggest impact.


It's days like this a few old sayings pop into my head: "Don't take life too seriously; nobody gets out alive any way" and it's oh so true. We're born, we die.. perhaps we should try to enjoy the little bit we have in between (Thank you for that one Max Heinze). 


The philosophy behind my thinking could go on for hours here; is life what you make it? Is everything set in stone? Have I made the right decisions so far or will I be destined to make more bad or good choices? Should I buy chocolate or bananas for breakfast? (Actually, that one's a given!) Then I realise I've sent my head into a spin with all of this and develop a headache. (This happens on a regular occasion, trust me.)

Isn't she fantastic?!

My Grandmother turned 90 last year. (There's exactly 64 years and a day between us) She's awesome for her age but she carries this air of sadness; She's lived a long an full life but she's watched so many pass and yet she's still here. She misses Gramps terribly but at least she has all of us around her for company.  To think that I'm just over quarter of her age makes me think there's a hell of a lot more out there still to do. The question is, what do I want next? How do I go about getting it? I guess I don't know what life has in store for me yet; I keep forgetting that life goes on and that I'm only 26.  


The one thing I have decided; Life is one big question and it never, ever gets an easier. (Especially if you're involved in politics!!!)


Live in the now; life is far too short to worry about what you did yesterday, or perhaps what might go wrong tomorrow as you may never get that chance to see it.


"Sh*t happens.. it's how you deal with it that counts" - Quote Jennie Edwards 2012.