Lockdown Guilt and Imposter Syndrome

As previously stated in my last blog: at the beginning of June I had a bit of a wobble. When I state a bit, I lied... I actually had quite a big one. Unusual for me. I haven’t felt that low in quite a few years and it was particularly disconcerting not to feel like I was going to pull out of it anytime soon. Perspective is everything and despite the fact that really, my situation isn’t really that bad; the wobble was very much needed. Quite rightly so, nothing of what I’m living had I signed up to: I’m living in another country with no support (I have the odd friend, but my existence here isn’t particularly the most social in the beginning, let alone after lockdown started! My own choice as I’m quite the introvert but also, my good friends are actually stuck in other countries waiting to return to Egypt!)  My husband is stuck in the back end of the Middle East with no way of returning, my parents confined to their house back in the UK and me stuck in between. For a few weeks even the animals were beginning to test my patience. I’ve taken on a lot with Cervantes, my street cat project. (I’ll write about his story another time.. let’s just say it’s not been particularly easy and he’s very time consuming.)

A few people at the time had suggested that I get one of the repatriation flights back, but they seem to miss the point that El Gouna is my home. This isn’t a holiday, this has been my home and my life for over four years - I cannot just jump ship back to the UK without consequences. My life here, my cats and my dog would still exist. It’s amazing how easily people just assume that I am still just on a giant holiday here. I guess perhaps you don’t really “get” it until you visit and realise that this is life. My life. 

I got through the wobble, obviously. I still credit the kayak as one of the things that grounded me. However, now I’m almost experiencing the opposite - Lockdown Guilt, with a pinch of enjoyment? I’m still stuck. Dan is still stuck until god know’s when, each month we promise ourselves and hope that the outcome will change and yet it seems to change for the worse at the moment. We were meant to have spent June together. Instead we just sit here and every day count the hours, chat about day to day annoyances with not much to report back on. I miss him something chronic, but I’m a lot more at ease with it now. Don’t get me wrong.. I hate every damn moment of it, but I can’t change it, all I can do it sit and support and try and keep positive. He has his own issues - mostly revolving stupidity of others, and major fallout thanks to being in a ridiculously poor country rifled in Corona, but that’s another story and not mine to tell. (I’d love to though, his anecdotes keep me in stitches for hours). 

I’ve started to revel in being here, doing my own thing and from that I’ve started to feel guilty. I don’t know if it’s the Endorphins or having a purpose, but my feelings have bucked up a lot. I’ve got deeply into exercise the past few weeks. The Twitter posse, mostly the running community have been a bit of a lifeline on top of the kayaking. Mel, Myrna, Paul, Chris, Darren et al... you’ve all been a major help to me. Your positivity, guidance (and jokes!)  have really kept me focused into challenging myself which is normally what I shy away from. I’ve somehow managed to do a full 180 degree turn, and using that misery against something positive. Now I just need to keep it up. I also have the added bonus that my brother, Neil is now a running addict. (Words I thought that I would NEVER write). He’s lost a tonne of weight, got fit and we have a promise of a half marathon together in 2021. Neil and I are particularly close and I’m beyond excited to be able to share this with him, I’m quite simply over the moon actually. I then in turn feel guilty for actually feeling positive in such a shoddy time - I know it’s all situational and people are suffering and then there’s me trotting along just happy to be doing the bits that I’m doing. The introspective, anxious mind will never just simply let me enjoy a moment, will it?

I joined something called Run Around the World - It’s a split team effort to try and “virtually” Run around the world over the whole of July. I chose Team North, (choices were the obvious East, West, South) the only time that I’ll ever be a Northerner but pretty much all of my friends were in this group already so it made sense. I’ve been running on a treadmill pretty much ever since. I also shall complete the Race to the Stones Marathon today. 42km in 6 days...not bad for a wannabe runner. 

I call myself a wannabe runner, as I definitely have a touch of Imposter Syndrome, I don’t “feel” like a runner. I’m not entirely sure what I’m meant to feel like to actually BE a runner. I feel like someone dabbling in it... but I guess at some point that will change and I’ll feel like I’m actually doing it as a choice and not as not as a force to push myself ( but isn’t that what running is about?) I feel a little daunted by the twitter running community, everyone seems too have amazing race photos, cracking heart and breathing rates and personal bests that I could only ever dream of, but I guess that comes with time. They’ve never been anything but kind and inclusive despite the fact I’m so ridiculously new to all of this. I just have moments of blind panic that I’m not really anything vs these running giants and I’m wasting people’s time. 

I’m running in constant heat either outside (rarely now it’s Summer) or inside at the gym (the air con is only on 25c!) so I’m hoping that this will bring me in good stead as and when the temperatures drop and I can pick up my pace a bit. I guess also, after all the years of being sick and constant illness I’ve never really thought I’d fall into the category of being an athelete of sorts. I don’t feel good enough to be that, despite the fact it’s obvious that somehow I’m finally able to push myself to run 10km, with the aim of much, much more. I always feel like I’m in the recovery stage, not out the other side - always expecting the next fall. I know you could argue that attitude can set me back, but after over 20 years of suffering you kind of just expect it. A psychologist somewhere could probably make wonders out of my mind set, but instead, for now, my musings are put down on my blog instead.

Maybe when I can finally enter proper races, in person and join Park Run back in the UK I might feel a little differently. It also probably doesn’t help that I’ve pretty much run out of running kit. I’m down to two pairs of shorts and one running top. Even my sports bras are beginning to give up the ghost. So if you see any selfies/ photos of me wearing a pink running top, I promise it gets washed every single day! I’m hopefully due a family visit in August, of which I’ve already ordered a tonne of new kit to their house to bring with them.

Anyway,  it’s now 5am and the sun is coming up. It was one of those mornings where sleep was lost on me. Time to get out, walk the dog and then go kill the rest of that marathon. Come on Summer, I’m ready for you so that we can start back to the new normal again. Chop chop.

Sleep Exercise Repeat

As we know, the world is still going a little bit Pete Tong right now. I’m still just keeping my head down and worrying about the big stuff until a later date. I have no idea when life will return to any form of normalcy so I need to stay focused. 

I had a full wobble a few weeks ago.. it didn’t achieve anything, and I was of no use to myself, Dan or anyone else in this period. I still have fleeting moments, panic attacks etc but I’m trying my best just to not focus in. I’ve always been one to take on other people’s issues and negativity and try to help solve it. Forever a sunny outlook, unfortunately, lately, that has been something that I just cannot handle without breaking a little myself. I know people go on about self care but I didn’t quite realise till recently, just how much I needed to practise this.

I keep trying to look to the bright side. You’d think not actually working that I would be bored, when actually I’ve somehow managed to keep extra busy to the point I would really like an extra hour or two added to my day. Between the normal animal issues, I’ve somehow managed to be smashing out the exercise as of late. Mostly running - The Tri Factory’s Stay Safe Marathons have been keeping me busy. Currently on day 4 of 14 attempting another 100km. I’m on track for now (Albeit feeling rather tired today). I’ve made some excellent Twitter friends, of whom we’ve now named ourselves the “Plank Posse” - they’ve made my day with videos of planking with jokes, conversation, poems, excerpts from books. It’s amazing what a bit of positive motivation does for one’s mind, especially when you’re on your own so much. 

 The one thing I’ve been missing from my life is scuba diving: by now I’d be out on the boat at least twice a week and on the hunt for whale sharks amongst just chilling out 15m down. It’s the one place my brain switches off... which for anyone who knows me well knows just how much of a big thing this is for me. First world problems Eh?I guess I need to be thankful that the marine life of the Red Sea are having a well deserved break from us intruding on their turf. I cannot wait to see just how well it is doing once we’re back in the water. A few months is most certainly nothing compared to the life of Coral, or many species of fish but still, it can only but help!

Just over a month ago my friend convinced me to start Kayaking. I’d already bought a blow up one from my friend Leigh, as he was leaving the country. It had sat on my balcony since last October. I kept promising myself I’d go out in it... but I didn’t.  I’m one of these types of people who promises myself I’ll do something for myself and then consistently put it off. Normally I’ll procrastinate and use other people’s needs as an excuse not to do things.  After much convincing from my friend Sandra, and the photos of her out to sea I took the proverbial plunge. The next thing you know I’m addicted. It’s become my absolute passion already. 

My blow up baby didn’t last long she punctured easily.  I keep meaning to repair her (and I shall do so soon!). But in the meantime my friend let me borrow her hard kayak. After an afternoon paddling on that and I found myself ordering a brand new hard base kayak. It’s like I’d learned to ride a bicycle without the training wheels on. A completely different experience, and a wonderfully easy one.  Within an hour my new “Kayaky McKayakFace” (Dan named it.,...) was sitting on the beach just waiting to be used. Now I’m not the type to go buy something straight away, let alone spend that kind of money on myself. But, as I’m not diving and I’m definitely not holidaying/shopping/ going to the gym, I somehow managed to justify the cost to myself. I’m still quite surprised, I would normally feel guilty about spending money yet this time I didn’t care. I still don’t and two weeks later I am so ridiculously happy with my purchase. I will be getting every penny’s (guinea’s) use from    it!  It’s most certainly one of the best things to have come out of 2020 so far for me. Who knew, eh?

 What’s even better is the fact that I can social distance and not disturb the peace whilst doing it. I tend to meet my friend who lives the other side of town midway.. and we decide our route from there. The lagoons of El Gouna make for the perfect route to paddle around without getting bored. No wind days means out to sea, which is even more of a treat. We sit over the corals and watch the world go by. It is almost as good as scuba diving, it seems to have slowed my mind for now, and give me that little bit of peace of which I so desperately needed. The even better result is that it works my upper body, of which I normally avoid like the plague. (I’m thinking we should do away with the saying “avoid like the plague” - considering as proven the past few months that most people do not avoid pandemics!!)

 I’ve even managed to get a tan. I’ve spent so much time in the sun the past few weeks that I’m almost unrecognisable. The day walker may have actually turned into a normal person for once! Factor 50 is still my life - and even then I’ve ended up with a few burns. I just must remember to reapply as much as possible.

Anywho, this is my ramble for the week. I’m sure I’ll try and write again soon, like I keep saying that I will.  Tally ho and all that!

The Same Old Rhetoric.

Well what can I say? Just the other day, someone brought it to my attention that I haven't used my blog in over a year. The last post I had made had been written in such an emotional time that I just ran out of steam. I lost my love of writing anything half-decent (If you can call any of my blogging "decent"!). I'd like to be able to give an excellent excuse as to why I haven't blogged since then, but the truth is that I've simply just been lazy. Busy, but lazy.

The start of 2018 was filled with such promise, however, over time the reality sinked in that it was just the same as any other year, it was truly bog-standard. Dan ended up in hospital and had a big operation, which took months to recover, whilst I played nurse and worked my butt off for most of it... That's about it really. nothing really to write home about.*

Saying that, there was one thing that consistently stood out for us both by the time we'd arrived at the last quarter of 2018. We realised the fact that we'd both ended up doing absolutely everything that we promised ourselves that we wouldn't do. 

Three years ago we moved to El Gouna to make our own way, our own business and our own path together. We'd both previously come from uncomfortable and unstable "toxic" relationships and needed that chance to grow, and heal with time together. We managed those parts quite easily, we're happily closer than ever. Sometimes things just fit and our relationship does just that. However, it was everything else that just wasn't fitting in. 

El Gouna is amazing, it really is.. but it is a bubble. You can lose yourself into this little piece of paradise without even realising. Unless you come here with money in the first place, or the right friendships/contacts you'll end up within that little bubble, without actually taking notice of what is going on it the world. This in itself can become very toxic and repetitive on a day to day basis.

With all of this in mind, we ended up running around trying to keep our heads above water without actually achieving anything of what we wanted. We'd got stuck in the bubble and it really wasn't a nice place. Another year down and another wall, unfilled with achievements. We'd sit and discuss our hopes and ideas knowing that it just wasn't going to come but we'd pretend to think it would be nice to see it happen despite knowing it wouldn't. By the time we'd realised the truth we'd realised that our time in El Gouna was nearly at an end...

Then it all changed. We changed. One day we both sat down and finally started forward planning. Not hopes and wishes but proper life planning. I quit my job. I was done, I was burned out and unhappy, none of which I intended on doing but I needed to take that leap. Dan's taken a few leaps himself of which one massive one has turned out to fit in perfectly.

In the meantime I'm going to be concentrating on my mind, my health and obviously, my blogging!

So here's to 2019 everyone. May it be happy, may it be healthy and most of all, may it NOT be bog-standard.

*Dan is absolutely fine and recovered now, just encase you were wondering.

But you don't look sick?!

The victim of any Chronic illness will readily understand the following:

"Hey, how are you today? Are you feeling any better?" - The dreaded opening sentence of basically everyone you have to socially interact with.

You then have two options:

1) I'm fine. 
2) No, I'm really not.

The first one you're blatantly lying through your teeth on.. but by then you're so fed up of the same old rhetoric that you just smile and wave. The people close can spot it a mile off. Others, not so. Some will just gloss over it, others will stop you then and there.

The second option causes a variance of retorts from the patronising "Oh you'll be fine, just give it time" to "Oh no, aren't you ever well?" or how about the famous.. "You're still ill? But you look better!" Then there's that horrible awkwardness afterward, when they ask you to elaborate and you either feel majorly attention seeking, or you're now then boring the pants off the person who asked the question.

You also get this strangely odd feeling, as if you have to validate it. If you're out of the house for an hour or two purely to stop the madness from setting in, or you have a little energy for a change. It's like a slight guilty feeling from the fact you don't look like you're sick for a change.

Lately I've given up on trying to respond full stop.  I've had a multitude of health issues again, that I'm just battling on with. (FYI This isn't a cry for attention, it's just life.)  I'm no different to a vast percentage of the population. In fact, after recent events, I'm feeling quite bloody lucky to have been dealt the cards that I have.

This is just a little blogpost to tell people to be kind to all - You don't always know what's going on behind that smile and wave.

Team Submerged, Halloweekend, ZombieBall and BEYOND!

When I first left for Egypt, I jokingly sat down with the rest of the BayPromoTeam and laughed. "By the way Gerald, would you mind if I created an El Gouna PromoTeam? " - At the time it was purely in jest. (To my good fortune he also told me to crack on...) Little did I know that actually, this was a genuine possibility.

El Gouna isn't unlike Herne Bay, both on the seaside with a beautiful coastline and plenty of activities for locals and visitors. Swap your London weekend visitors for Cairo peeps and Bob's your Uncle.. Red Sea Riviera vs Kentish Riviera! Admittedly the types of residents differ, but considering I'm on a different continent it's not particularly surprising. I loved being part of something bigger, the events that I helped form and work at changed my outlook on life and what I want to be doing. I've always had a warm fuzzy feeling watching people smile and enjoy themselves.

A few months ago I was chatting with Dan on how they don't really seem to have events here. Well they do, but not really anything that brings community together. There's events for the tourists, the all inclusive and then there's events put on by the mainstay locals; such as Hoda from the Clubhouse (Highly recommended by the way!) I just sat there one day and thought why the hell not? Kids love Halloween. Adults love Halloween.. let's do this! Therefore the next thing I know, Halloweekend and ZombieBall were born and we've been working our butts off ever since! The team has grown and now between four of us, we're making this happen!

Admittedly, Submerged Egypt isn't exactly the El Gouna PromoTeam, but we've got the same form of basis. We're an event company who will eventually put money back into the area with the formation of an NGO to help the local children.

Orascom and El Gouna themselves have been  amazing with helping us with our vision and day by day we're getting there. On Friday 28th October, we have a marina music festival in the Abu Tig Marina for early evening, followed by the ZombieBall 2016 taking place in the New Marina till early hours of the morning. Then the next day, Saturday 29th October we have a full afternoon of events for families including a new World Record event to form the Largest Human formation of a Pumpkin, a free Abu Tig or Treat walk around the marina for kids and then finishing off with a street disco for all.

Back to why we're doing this all... there's a serious amount of underprivileged children here who have no idea how to swim, let alone know what the Red Sea is about and how we should be looking after the corals and marine life. Our aim is to create an academy of sorts, education through the medium of water sports and conservation. From this, we want to ensure that the Red Sea is looked after for the future. Children who'd never normally get the chance.. will have big opportunities to learn to swim, to scuba dive and to kite surf their way into the future. There's one hell of a lot of potential talent for future sportspersons. Why not start when they are young and let them enjoy themselves?!

So yes.. these are happening.. spread the word because this is a big thing for me. I want my town to be proud to know that from the little acorn that was BayPromoTeam just five years ago has not only become so very successful in putting Herne Bay on the map.. it's spread to another country where I'm hoping that that warm fuzzy feeling, those smiles and enjoyment will be repeated again and again by others.

www.zombieballegypt.com

www.halloweekendfestival.com

www.baypromoteam.co.uk

#zombiesarecoming #zombieballegypt2016 #elgouna #hernebay #baypromoteam #mygouna #spookygouna

My first update

I just managed to delete a whole blog update. Well that sucks!

A week later and I'm here. We've settled into our new place, a beautiful one bed apartment that overlooks a Lagoon. It's a 10 min walk to downtown and I cannot complain (although I might do when the summer months kick in). The sun shines every morning, up to a cool 30c, the evenings are a little chilly but by UK standards.. It's summer already! Very happy with our choice, as we walked up to the block to view i had a gut feeling that this was the apartment for us. I was right. I was also mega shocked to find out that El Gouna has broadband... Yes, fibre broadband. So now Dan and I can work from home, Skype the whole lot! Go us! 

The first few nights we got bitten to death by mosquitos though. I swear if I ever get a chance to be reincarnated I'll come back as a mozzie; they have such happy little bloodsucking lives around here! RAID and OFF! Have become my new best friends. We're slowly getting them under control, they're crafty little buggers, they get through anywhere!

El Gouna itself is quite simply stunning. It's vastly different to everywhere else that I've visited in Egypt, it's like driving into a completely different country bar the sand.. You can never get rid of the sand.

The marinas and downtown remind me of being somewhere in the med. Coffee houses and meetings take place around the edge of the marina. There's supermarkets and shops amongst tonnes of different restaurants. I had the most awesome Chinese last night. Yes, Chinese takeaway in Egypt.. It's weird, I know!

 

So yeah, first week down. Tonnes of meetings, moving into our house, meeting new people, a day trip to Hurghada... Which is a bit different to here to say the least. It's been a busy one! I haven't even managed to get into the swimming pool yet. Jenfail.

Hoping to get back in the water this week. I've got my eye on some kitesurfing and paddle boarding too.. Just because I can, and well.. It's Egypt why work with no play?!

Jen.