Lockdown Guilt and Imposter Syndrome

As previously stated in my last blog: at the beginning of June I had a bit of a wobble. When I state a bit, I lied... I actually had quite a big one. Unusual for me. I haven’t felt that low in quite a few years and it was particularly disconcerting not to feel like I was going to pull out of it anytime soon. Perspective is everything and despite the fact that really, my situation isn’t really that bad; the wobble was very much needed. Quite rightly so, nothing of what I’m living had I signed up to: I’m living in another country with no support (I have the odd friend, but my existence here isn’t particularly the most social in the beginning, let alone after lockdown started! My own choice as I’m quite the introvert but also, my good friends are actually stuck in other countries waiting to return to Egypt!)  My husband is stuck in the back end of the Middle East with no way of returning, my parents confined to their house back in the UK and me stuck in between. For a few weeks even the animals were beginning to test my patience. I’ve taken on a lot with Cervantes, my street cat project. (I’ll write about his story another time.. let’s just say it’s not been particularly easy and he’s very time consuming.)

A few people at the time had suggested that I get one of the repatriation flights back, but they seem to miss the point that El Gouna is my home. This isn’t a holiday, this has been my home and my life for over four years - I cannot just jump ship back to the UK without consequences. My life here, my cats and my dog would still exist. It’s amazing how easily people just assume that I am still just on a giant holiday here. I guess perhaps you don’t really “get” it until you visit and realise that this is life. My life. 

I got through the wobble, obviously. I still credit the kayak as one of the things that grounded me. However, now I’m almost experiencing the opposite - Lockdown Guilt, with a pinch of enjoyment? I’m still stuck. Dan is still stuck until god know’s when, each month we promise ourselves and hope that the outcome will change and yet it seems to change for the worse at the moment. We were meant to have spent June together. Instead we just sit here and every day count the hours, chat about day to day annoyances with not much to report back on. I miss him something chronic, but I’m a lot more at ease with it now. Don’t get me wrong.. I hate every damn moment of it, but I can’t change it, all I can do it sit and support and try and keep positive. He has his own issues - mostly revolving stupidity of others, and major fallout thanks to being in a ridiculously poor country rifled in Corona, but that’s another story and not mine to tell. (I’d love to though, his anecdotes keep me in stitches for hours). 

I’ve started to revel in being here, doing my own thing and from that I’ve started to feel guilty. I don’t know if it’s the Endorphins or having a purpose, but my feelings have bucked up a lot. I’ve got deeply into exercise the past few weeks. The Twitter posse, mostly the running community have been a bit of a lifeline on top of the kayaking. Mel, Myrna, Paul, Chris, Darren et al... you’ve all been a major help to me. Your positivity, guidance (and jokes!)  have really kept me focused into challenging myself which is normally what I shy away from. I’ve somehow managed to do a full 180 degree turn, and using that misery against something positive. Now I just need to keep it up. I also have the added bonus that my brother, Neil is now a running addict. (Words I thought that I would NEVER write). He’s lost a tonne of weight, got fit and we have a promise of a half marathon together in 2021. Neil and I are particularly close and I’m beyond excited to be able to share this with him, I’m quite simply over the moon actually. I then in turn feel guilty for actually feeling positive in such a shoddy time - I know it’s all situational and people are suffering and then there’s me trotting along just happy to be doing the bits that I’m doing. The introspective, anxious mind will never just simply let me enjoy a moment, will it?

I joined something called Run Around the World - It’s a split team effort to try and “virtually” Run around the world over the whole of July. I chose Team North, (choices were the obvious East, West, South) the only time that I’ll ever be a Northerner but pretty much all of my friends were in this group already so it made sense. I’ve been running on a treadmill pretty much ever since. I also shall complete the Race to the Stones Marathon today. 42km in 6 days...not bad for a wannabe runner. 

I call myself a wannabe runner, as I definitely have a touch of Imposter Syndrome, I don’t “feel” like a runner. I’m not entirely sure what I’m meant to feel like to actually BE a runner. I feel like someone dabbling in it... but I guess at some point that will change and I’ll feel like I’m actually doing it as a choice and not as not as a force to push myself ( but isn’t that what running is about?) I feel a little daunted by the twitter running community, everyone seems too have amazing race photos, cracking heart and breathing rates and personal bests that I could only ever dream of, but I guess that comes with time. They’ve never been anything but kind and inclusive despite the fact I’m so ridiculously new to all of this. I just have moments of blind panic that I’m not really anything vs these running giants and I’m wasting people’s time. 

I’m running in constant heat either outside (rarely now it’s Summer) or inside at the gym (the air con is only on 25c!) so I’m hoping that this will bring me in good stead as and when the temperatures drop and I can pick up my pace a bit. I guess also, after all the years of being sick and constant illness I’ve never really thought I’d fall into the category of being an athelete of sorts. I don’t feel good enough to be that, despite the fact it’s obvious that somehow I’m finally able to push myself to run 10km, with the aim of much, much more. I always feel like I’m in the recovery stage, not out the other side - always expecting the next fall. I know you could argue that attitude can set me back, but after over 20 years of suffering you kind of just expect it. A psychologist somewhere could probably make wonders out of my mind set, but instead, for now, my musings are put down on my blog instead.

Maybe when I can finally enter proper races, in person and join Park Run back in the UK I might feel a little differently. It also probably doesn’t help that I’ve pretty much run out of running kit. I’m down to two pairs of shorts and one running top. Even my sports bras are beginning to give up the ghost. So if you see any selfies/ photos of me wearing a pink running top, I promise it gets washed every single day! I’m hopefully due a family visit in August, of which I’ve already ordered a tonne of new kit to their house to bring with them.

Anyway,  it’s now 5am and the sun is coming up. It was one of those mornings where sleep was lost on me. Time to get out, walk the dog and then go kill the rest of that marathon. Come on Summer, I’m ready for you so that we can start back to the new normal again. Chop chop.

Sleep Exercise Repeat

As we know, the world is still going a little bit Pete Tong right now. I’m still just keeping my head down and worrying about the big stuff until a later date. I have no idea when life will return to any form of normalcy so I need to stay focused. 

I had a full wobble a few weeks ago.. it didn’t achieve anything, and I was of no use to myself, Dan or anyone else in this period. I still have fleeting moments, panic attacks etc but I’m trying my best just to not focus in. I’ve always been one to take on other people’s issues and negativity and try to help solve it. Forever a sunny outlook, unfortunately, lately, that has been something that I just cannot handle without breaking a little myself. I know people go on about self care but I didn’t quite realise till recently, just how much I needed to practise this.

I keep trying to look to the bright side. You’d think not actually working that I would be bored, when actually I’ve somehow managed to keep extra busy to the point I would really like an extra hour or two added to my day. Between the normal animal issues, I’ve somehow managed to be smashing out the exercise as of late. Mostly running - The Tri Factory’s Stay Safe Marathons have been keeping me busy. Currently on day 4 of 14 attempting another 100km. I’m on track for now (Albeit feeling rather tired today). I’ve made some excellent Twitter friends, of whom we’ve now named ourselves the “Plank Posse” - they’ve made my day with videos of planking with jokes, conversation, poems, excerpts from books. It’s amazing what a bit of positive motivation does for one’s mind, especially when you’re on your own so much. 

 The one thing I’ve been missing from my life is scuba diving: by now I’d be out on the boat at least twice a week and on the hunt for whale sharks amongst just chilling out 15m down. It’s the one place my brain switches off... which for anyone who knows me well knows just how much of a big thing this is for me. First world problems Eh?I guess I need to be thankful that the marine life of the Red Sea are having a well deserved break from us intruding on their turf. I cannot wait to see just how well it is doing once we’re back in the water. A few months is most certainly nothing compared to the life of Coral, or many species of fish but still, it can only but help!

Just over a month ago my friend convinced me to start Kayaking. I’d already bought a blow up one from my friend Leigh, as he was leaving the country. It had sat on my balcony since last October. I kept promising myself I’d go out in it... but I didn’t.  I’m one of these types of people who promises myself I’ll do something for myself and then consistently put it off. Normally I’ll procrastinate and use other people’s needs as an excuse not to do things.  After much convincing from my friend Sandra, and the photos of her out to sea I took the proverbial plunge. The next thing you know I’m addicted. It’s become my absolute passion already. 

My blow up baby didn’t last long she punctured easily.  I keep meaning to repair her (and I shall do so soon!). But in the meantime my friend let me borrow her hard kayak. After an afternoon paddling on that and I found myself ordering a brand new hard base kayak. It’s like I’d learned to ride a bicycle without the training wheels on. A completely different experience, and a wonderfully easy one.  Within an hour my new “Kayaky McKayakFace” (Dan named it.,...) was sitting on the beach just waiting to be used. Now I’m not the type to go buy something straight away, let alone spend that kind of money on myself. But, as I’m not diving and I’m definitely not holidaying/shopping/ going to the gym, I somehow managed to justify the cost to myself. I’m still quite surprised, I would normally feel guilty about spending money yet this time I didn’t care. I still don’t and two weeks later I am so ridiculously happy with my purchase. I will be getting every penny’s (guinea’s) use from    it!  It’s most certainly one of the best things to have come out of 2020 so far for me. Who knew, eh?

 What’s even better is the fact that I can social distance and not disturb the peace whilst doing it. I tend to meet my friend who lives the other side of town midway.. and we decide our route from there. The lagoons of El Gouna make for the perfect route to paddle around without getting bored. No wind days means out to sea, which is even more of a treat. We sit over the corals and watch the world go by. It is almost as good as scuba diving, it seems to have slowed my mind for now, and give me that little bit of peace of which I so desperately needed. The even better result is that it works my upper body, of which I normally avoid like the plague. (I’m thinking we should do away with the saying “avoid like the plague” - considering as proven the past few months that most people do not avoid pandemics!!)

 I’ve even managed to get a tan. I’ve spent so much time in the sun the past few weeks that I’m almost unrecognisable. The day walker may have actually turned into a normal person for once! Factor 50 is still my life - and even then I’ve ended up with a few burns. I just must remember to reapply as much as possible.

Anywho, this is my ramble for the week. I’m sure I’ll try and write again soon, like I keep saying that I will.  Tally ho and all that!

Mental Health, Social Anxiety and Me.

Now before I go any further, I do very much recognise that this blog post is going to be pretty self indulgent. However, in able to talk about mental health issues you have to be able to put your own personal experiences first.  This is quite a tough subject for me; especially as even writing now, it's putting me completely on edge as I type. Then I think that if this blog article goes the way I want it to go, and I get even one person to identify with what I'm writing about, it will all be worth it.

I suffer with severe anxiety; most of it based on being having to be sociable. Over the past few years due to various personal situations it managed to get worse, however, on the other hand it made me begin to recognise where and what I am doing and be able to help myself. I have to give my boyfriend Dan a lot of credit with this. He's made me realise that it's ok to be me, worts and all. This in itself has made me more confident and relaxed in what I am doing, and more comfortable as to when I don't want to do something rather than going along with it for others. I don't know if it's because I'm that little bit older and now able to reflect, or trauma makes you view life a little differently. I'm now in a place where I feel like I can be me without thinking that I'm completely nuts.

To anyone who normally meets me, they think I'm confident, bubbly and that I talk a lot. However beneath that appearance and all the chat, I try and overcompensate with words. I'm normally a bundle of nerves, overthinking every action and word, ensuring I say the right thing or upset someone. I absolutely hate silence; it eats away at my brain and makes me feel even more awkward than when I'm spouting words. I'm well aware that there are many similar to me on the overthinking stakes, it's a common trait.

I became aware of this issue a few years ago, when I was treated by a practitioner who was trying to sort my back problems out. A particular session stuck in my mind when she gave me a sports massage to relax the muscles. At the end of it she commented to me that I physically was incapable of relaxing. Even if my body wanted to, my mind wouldn't let me. Her words were "You are a nervous person; you are stuck in fight or flight mode at all times, and if you cannot manage to let go, your body will suffer for it". My body has been suffering for it for a very long time.

Different actions throughout my life defined my personality traits. I've always been a high achiever, I've always been a worrier. Going through things like CFS and bullying came hand in hand and over the years, it made me socially awkward. I missed so much schooling that I only had a handful of friends who knew me. I've made some good relationship decisions, and some bad ones. I've made the same decisions with work and friends too. All of them effect my mind and make me think a little too much.

My parents and brother desperately used to try and help me. We have an amazing bond as a family unit even now. My Mum pointed out to me recently that even as a little girl I had a soft and nervous disposition. If I was ever told off I'd instantly feel sick and be upset. I look back then and remember that most nights I would sit in bed and think about my whole day. What I could have done or said different to stop certain things happening; how I wish I'd been more witty with a fast comeback. (Saying that, I still do it now!)

From a young age I developed Dermatillomania; I used to obsessively pick at the back of my arms at spots and lumps that were never there, fortunately as I got older mostly I grew out of it. I always remember my parents trying to convince me to stop, and that if I didn't I'd be scarred for life. Even now, I do find that when I'm nervous or stressed I swiftly find myself scratching my head, my chin or forehead as an automatic reaction. I don't even know I'm doing it. I always need to be fiddling when my mind is active. I can't even sit and watch a film without thinking of loads of other bits and bobs at once. Ironically, we brought a fidget spinner back from the UK, Dan won it at the penny arcades; I've found myself using it a lot, it works!

There's different personalities in this world, some (like Dan) feed off other's energies in social situations, he can become the life and soul of the party and bounce around the room. I don't necessarily envy him; it makes me smile because I it's something I love to see. It's what makes him shine.  I do wish that sometimes it was me, but I wouldn't even know where to begin. We're quite polar opposites in ways. My mental energy drains very swiftly and find that as much as I love to be sociable, I find that after a while I'm desperately wanting my home space away from people. I feel panicked and worn out. Don't get me wrong... I absolutely love to be around people. It's a very hard thing to describe and put a label on. It's like having an inner battery that hits a critical level where you need to go home and recharge. I'm well aware that the job and nature of what I do I have to be that sociable bubbly person, so if you see me on low moment, please forgive me.. normal service will resume.

One of my main triggers are large groups of girls together. Laugh as you may, but being bullied at an all girls school for years still sometimes resurfaces.  I was sat next to a giant hen party a while back, the noise of them all gossiping and laughing gave me a full on panic attack. I realised that sometimes these things in your mind won't ever go away.  It's been a good seventeen years since I was in school, maybe with time and practice you can deal with them better, but some things stick. I prefer to spend my time with a small group at a time, or individually. I find that way I can concentrate on the conversation and enjoy. It's hard to battle with the mental strain of feeling like you're an outsider no matter what you do. Not that I need to be inside a group.. It's just the way my brain works.

Another in being put on the spot, and put down in conversation. I absolutely hate it. It makes me panic that I'm going to get whatever the conversation is incorrect. An old boss, whom now I wish I'd reported, used to do this to me on a regular basis. On top of this, if she didn't like my answer she'd call me stupid and a moron. Obviously she had her own issues. I've had a few people in my life with similar disposition as this lady. Some more damaging than others. The amount of things I can now look back on and wish had happened differently.. but I guess you shouldn't really regret your past, it's what can shape your future.

Whilst in my own space I now meditate, I practise yoga and try and release some of that nervous energy. I try and use the negativity in my past to try and push the barrier down in future conversations and panic moments. I find the meditation helps with stopping my brain for a moment. My heart rate slows and I can gain some form of peace. I have to try and stop overthinking if I haven't heard from someone, or try and push myself forward a little more so that I don't shy away from the things I fear. I wouldn't say I'm ok, but I'm alright. I cope. Each day I try and help myself a little more.

Hopefully this post helps others. I'm not entirely sure it helps me but I guess in the long run it will. It's not an easy one to talk about and I couldn't easily fall into more detail about triggers and experiences, but then my bad habit of talking a lot becomes writing a lot instead..

Jen