It’s a difficult one, when you fall into a funk. I’m quite sure that pretty much everyone in 2020 have felt some form of emotional (or non emotional) negativity this year. I’ve predominantly done well so far. I’ve managed to, as you well know from previous blogs, hang on to some semblance of normality. The problem is that it’s August, which means the existential dread of my birthday is spent looming over my shoulders, amongst other things.
I won’t go into full detail but my 30th birthday was hell on earth and basically I’ve struggled with that date ever since. I try my best not to allow my past to dictate my feelings on the present but sometimes it just takes over and I get dragged down into memories that I never want to see again, let alone talk about them. People do the normal “but it’s all a state of mind! It’s only another day!” Bull crap - once you have association to a particular date it’s hard to take your mind away from that.
Someone in my past went out of their way to take any form of excitement away from turning another year older and they succeeded. They took a piece of me on purpose, for their own power and control and left me a complete mess of which I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces of ever since. It may sound super dramatic when I describe it in those words but the one thing that I’ve learned is that I’m not the only one who’s been through that. It turns out there’s been many. I used to feel stupid and weak talking about it until I realised just how much I wasn’t alone. I’m pretty much there these days, I don’t consider myself broken and I don’t tend to dwell on all of it... but as I said, August anxiety just starts to creep in and bring it all back whether I like it or not.
I’ve got a bit better about my birthday the past few years. Ever since the negative, I’ve been attempting to force positive experiences on myself on the day. It’s worked well to a point, Dan and some of my friends have been super understanding about this and have gone out of their way to try and help me push nicer thoughts to the forefront of my mind. The past few years have in turn been far nicer experiences but it still doesn’t take away that anxiety and fear of September looming around the corner. I just can’t seem to kick it far from my mind no matter how nice a day I end up having.
This week hasn’t helped; It’s been particularly crap. I’ve lost one of my long term foster kittens for no good reason at all which broke my friends, and my own heart. It made no sense, we didn’t see it coming and after 5 months of full on miracles it hit hard to us all. I’ve also injured myself running, so much so that I’m struggling to sit - let alone do the normal things. This means that I’ve basically been indoors, by myself for a week now. The odd little bit of social contact has been very few, and very far between. Now, I’m a self confessed introvert and as a rule I normally love spending time on my own, however when it’s forced upon oneself you tend to start going a little bit bonkers. Dwelling on every little corner of the mind that normally you have under control and locked away. There’s potentially a lot of good things coming around the corner, but for now they’re around the corner and not directly in my line of sight. Tunnel vision at it’s finest.
Another part of all of this funk, it doesn’t help that I’m still constantly missing Nan. She’d have turned 99 this year, the day before my birthday. I’ve written about Nan a few times. She was a firecracker and a very strong role model in my life. I think about her regularly, and this time of year now gives me a certain sadness that I cannot escape. We always had a card and a hug ready and waiting for each other on our birthdays and the bond was so very strong between us. (64 years and a day!). Even after I moved to Egypt we spoke via skype on a regular basis. I’ve been in tears a few times about her lately, some things carry on hurting no matter how much time passes.
That reminds me...I still feel guilty: two years ago I managed to confuse the poor old girl by getting my days mixed up. I called her up on the 3rd (her birthday is the 4th) and she kept telling me it was tomorrow, and I kept insisting the 4th was today. I did this so much that she ended up accepting that it was the 4th until the nurses insisted it wasn’t! Well done Jen.
I’m sure this will all pass again. It always does. As per usual it takes a good cathartic write down of what’s in my mind to make me feel at least a little easier. Maybe ill publicise his post maybe I wont, I just needed to put it down into words. Roll on 35 and heading on the up hill to 40,
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