I’ve just realised I’ve not posted for a whole year - after losing Nan I just hadn’t really had the enthusiasm to write. I’m not entirely sure that I have any more of that good old enthusiasm at this precise moment, but I feel like I’m losing the will to do anything remotely productive so maybe it’s time. It’s a poor excuse, it’s not exactly like I haven’t had the time for the past year - I’m at my most creative when I have purpose, and this year has been sorely lacking that.
I guess I’m feeling a little stuck. I’m hitting 35 in a few months time - I hear some of my friends cry whilst reading this statement “You’re still young and able” ...but I’m hitting that age where I’m constantly evaluating my purpose in life and really, I’m really just not sure what I’m doing anymore.
Not that I really believe in “Purpose”. Purpose is a social construct built within our own imaginations. We put these pressures and these constraints on ourselves and what we perceive - to fill out our time to believe that we actually mean something to satisfy our own ego. (Yes, that’s just how much I’ve been over-thinking all of this.). I’m a complete sucker for this, I’m forever managing to put stupid pressures on myself and than beating myself up when I cannot achieve them.
Don’t get me wrong, overall I’m happy. I have a wonderful partnership (despite being apart so much.) I’m also ridiculously privileged to even be sitting in the position that I am right now - I spend my life in a beautiful seaside heaven, rescuing animals and basking in paradise. I don’t want to curse it, but even my health hasn’t been too bad this year bar the odd cold. I’m lucky I’m anti-social and introverted as this whole isolation thing hasn’t to bothered me too much. I walk the dog, I look after the cats, I run, I swim, I cook, I read, repeat.
I shouldn’t be whinging yet I feel quite empty a lot of the time. I know it doesn’t help with Dan being away so much.. especially now as he’s stuck away for so long. We have a plan, we’re sticking to it and the end result is completely worth it.
This post isn’t about that...
The thing is, I’ve always had purpose. Always. I’ve always been working towards my career, or a business goal. Last year when I stopped working I spent a good six months tearing myself up on the inside because I felt guilty for not playing my part. I’ve worked solidly since I left school. The way I’m built and my anxiety does not like the slow lane - I’m not meant for sitting back and letting someone else look after me. (Dan’s never once said that either, he’s been amazing throughout all of this.)
I’m not taking the “family route“. Due to a few personal reasons that part just isn’t going to happen. So it’s not exactly like I’m waiting to start a family. I don’t mind this, it’s not really a talking point. It just is what it is.
I’ve debated going back into study so many times in the past few months - I’ve even whittled down subjects and all. I just cannot, for some reason make that leap. Something keeps holding me back and I’m just not sure why. Self confidence? So much doubt? Practicality? I’m not even very sure where we’ll be located in a year’s time thanks to Dan’s job so is it even worth spending the money studying when it could end up being a giant stress? It’s what keeps me awake at night. I’m forever contemplating what comes next. Once again, over-thinking is ruining it for me!
I guess everyone is feeling this in some way or other at the moment - time will be the key player - I’m very sure that I’m overthinking this all purely thanks to the demons of isolation taking hold. I must just sit back, stop worrying and reassess in a few months time. It’s just a few months time feels so very long away right now! In the meantime I’m running, cycling and swimming and trying to beat those demons. I’m not good at waiting, I’m not a patient person. I like to be pro-active and not reactive.
I’m very sure I’m not the only one having these moments. If you are, and you’re panicking... please believe me when I say that you’re not alone - I’m always a message, tweet or email away. Feel free to chat to me anytime. If I don’t reply it’s because I’m asleep, or having a moment myself.
I’d love to say that I’ll write more blogs. I want to aspire to ensuring at least a few more entries into the 2020 diary.. but we’ll have to see what that brings.
Not that I really believe in “Purpose”. Purpose is a social construct built within our own imaginations. We put these pressures and these constraints on ourselves and what we perceive - to fill out our time to believe that we actually mean something to satisfy our own ego. (Yes, that’s just how much I’ve been over-thinking all of this.). I’m a complete sucker for this, I’m forever managing to put stupid pressures on myself and than beating myself up when I cannot achieve them.
Don’t get me wrong, overall I’m happy. I have a wonderful partnership (despite being apart so much.) I’m also ridiculously privileged to even be sitting in the position that I am right now - I spend my life in a beautiful seaside heaven, rescuing animals and basking in paradise. I don’t want to curse it, but even my health hasn’t been too bad this year bar the odd cold. I’m lucky I’m anti-social and introverted as this whole isolation thing hasn’t to bothered me too much. I walk the dog, I look after the cats, I run, I swim, I cook, I read, repeat.
I shouldn’t be whinging yet I feel quite empty a lot of the time. I know it doesn’t help with Dan being away so much.. especially now as he’s stuck away for so long. We have a plan, we’re sticking to it and the end result is completely worth it.
This post isn’t about that...
The thing is, I’ve always had purpose. Always. I’ve always been working towards my career, or a business goal. Last year when I stopped working I spent a good six months tearing myself up on the inside because I felt guilty for not playing my part. I’ve worked solidly since I left school. The way I’m built and my anxiety does not like the slow lane - I’m not meant for sitting back and letting someone else look after me. (Dan’s never once said that either, he’s been amazing throughout all of this.)
I’m not taking the “family route“. Due to a few personal reasons that part just isn’t going to happen. So it’s not exactly like I’m waiting to start a family. I don’t mind this, it’s not really a talking point. It just is what it is.
I’ve debated going back into study so many times in the past few months - I’ve even whittled down subjects and all. I just cannot, for some reason make that leap. Something keeps holding me back and I’m just not sure why. Self confidence? So much doubt? Practicality? I’m not even very sure where we’ll be located in a year’s time thanks to Dan’s job so is it even worth spending the money studying when it could end up being a giant stress? It’s what keeps me awake at night. I’m forever contemplating what comes next. Once again, over-thinking is ruining it for me!
I guess everyone is feeling this in some way or other at the moment - time will be the key player - I’m very sure that I’m overthinking this all purely thanks to the demons of isolation taking hold. I must just sit back, stop worrying and reassess in a few months time. It’s just a few months time feels so very long away right now! In the meantime I’m running, cycling and swimming and trying to beat those demons. I’m not good at waiting, I’m not a patient person. I like to be pro-active and not reactive.
I’m very sure I’m not the only one having these moments. If you are, and you’re panicking... please believe me when I say that you’re not alone - I’m always a message, tweet or email away. Feel free to chat to me anytime. If I don’t reply it’s because I’m asleep, or having a moment myself.
I’d love to say that I’ll write more blogs. I want to aspire to ensuring at least a few more entries into the 2020 diary.. but we’ll have to see what that brings.
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