The Same Old Rhetoric.

Well what can I say? Just the other day, someone brought it to my attention that I haven't used my blog in over a year. The last post I had made had been written in such an emotional time that I just ran out of steam. I lost my love of writing anything half-decent (If you can call any of my blogging "decent"!). I'd like to be able to give an excellent excuse as to why I haven't blogged since then, but the truth is that I've simply just been lazy. Busy, but lazy.

The start of 2018 was filled with such promise, however, over time the reality sinked in that it was just the same as any other year, it was truly bog-standard. Dan ended up in hospital and had a big operation, which took months to recover, whilst I played nurse and worked my butt off for most of it... That's about it really. nothing really to write home about.*

Saying that, there was one thing that consistently stood out for us both by the time we'd arrived at the last quarter of 2018. We realised the fact that we'd both ended up doing absolutely everything that we promised ourselves that we wouldn't do. 

Three years ago we moved to El Gouna to make our own way, our own business and our own path together. We'd both previously come from uncomfortable and unstable "toxic" relationships and needed that chance to grow, and heal with time together. We managed those parts quite easily, we're happily closer than ever. Sometimes things just fit and our relationship does just that. However, it was everything else that just wasn't fitting in. 

El Gouna is amazing, it really is.. but it is a bubble. You can lose yourself into this little piece of paradise without even realising. Unless you come here with money in the first place, or the right friendships/contacts you'll end up within that little bubble, without actually taking notice of what is going on it the world. This in itself can become very toxic and repetitive on a day to day basis.

With all of this in mind, we ended up running around trying to keep our heads above water without actually achieving anything of what we wanted. We'd got stuck in the bubble and it really wasn't a nice place. Another year down and another wall, unfilled with achievements. We'd sit and discuss our hopes and ideas knowing that it just wasn't going to come but we'd pretend to think it would be nice to see it happen despite knowing it wouldn't. By the time we'd realised the truth we'd realised that our time in El Gouna was nearly at an end...

Then it all changed. We changed. One day we both sat down and finally started forward planning. Not hopes and wishes but proper life planning. I quit my job. I was done, I was burned out and unhappy, none of which I intended on doing but I needed to take that leap. Dan's taken a few leaps himself of which one massive one has turned out to fit in perfectly.

In the meantime I'm going to be concentrating on my mind, my health and obviously, my blogging!

So here's to 2019 everyone. May it be happy, may it be healthy and most of all, may it NOT be bog-standard.

*Dan is absolutely fine and recovered now, just encase you were wondering.

Compassion. Or is it?

Compassion. It’s a word I’ve heard repeatedly in the last few days, but what does that truly mean?

We had a situation recently, which to be fair if we’d been in Europe there wouldn’t really have been any issue. However, we’re in Egypt, when basically every cut, break, scar, rescue is a complete uphill battle against the world when it comes to street animals. 

A feral street cat had broken it’s leg. This wasn’t any “to be adopted” type street cat, and this wasn’t any normal break… he’d basically sheered the back leg off in a car accident. The young male was petrified of everyone and everything. Dragging his leg across the floor in agony. It was heart breaking to see. My friend Sandra took him to BlueMoon in Hurghada with the hope of rescue. Within this period it became very apparent that he was past the point of being able to place him with humans. Rehabilitation for loss of a front leg is difficult, when it’s a back leg it’s even harder as cats use this for everything from balance and jumping to full on survival tactics in fights. It’s hard but possible when the animal is humanised. I had experience with my brother’s cat Moomin three years ago - it’s doable but it takes a very long time to heal and learn how to deal with it.

We took a good day to decide which way we could take this forward. Our trusted Vet was quite frank in saying that survival chances were minimal. We spoke to the local shop keepers who normally feed and care for the cats in the area (they were also the ones to first call us). All of them agreed that the boy could never be placed back into the town for fear of a worser fate.. he had nowhere to hide or be safe and that there was no way to get close to him.  We checked with all of our experienced foster carers to find there was absolutely zero space. By now the boy had been in pain for well over a day, let alone the time he'd suffered before Sandra had managed to catch him.

Now put this all together: A feral street cat - used to living on rooftops in town. Used to fighting his way through life as a rule. No humans allowed to touch or care. Loss of a back leg and no guarantee of survival. No foster carers to be able to even try the hard rehabilitation process. 

We didn’t want to play God. We never ever want to make those decisions. But sometimes, on the rare occasion we have to. That day we had to. Both Sandra and I cried. There’s something horrific in knowing you’ve made a choice you cannot go back on, we could not see a way forward. I question myself most days on whether I’m doing the right thing. I see death with animals on a regular basis via nature and it hurts every time. However, when you know it’s on your shoulders it never quite sits right.

I decided to put this story online on our Facebook Page; sometimes it is a good idea to show the rough with the smooth just to make people realise that it’s not a happy holiday here. Volunteering is hard and stressful.. and as you can tell by now, incredibly upsetting.

What I didn’t expect was for a few armchair warriors to come back and tell us that we’re murderers and very bad people. I was shocked. It completely floored me. “You wouldn’t do that to a child, so why would you do it to an animal?”  “A broken leg is not enough to justify killing.” “You’re murderers to justify your own selfish needs” “You should have just left him for nature” were amongst the quotes. 

Now I understand the cultural differences here. I’m not saying I’m holier than thou, but I’ve met many an Egyptian who do not believe in helping a hurt animal and to let nature take its course. I disagree, but I accept that this is another person’s opinion. However, the one thing I did take of note was that all of these comments came from people outside of Egypt!! We were being told that we were shameful animal welfare volunteers by people who probably haven’t lifted a finger for animal welfare themselves - let alone seen the conditions we work in. It's very easy to sit and form an uneducated opinion whilst sitting a few thousand miles away.

My first response was how dare they judge unless they’ve been in the same situation?! We have it lucky in our westernised, fair and privileged world. We do not have a street animal problem, or a lack of neutering initiatives. Sadly Egypt isn’t quite there yet.. not that I quite want Egypt to be anything like Europe, but it would be nice to see a difference in attitude towards animal welfare. 

I spent all night crying, I was just so upset. I had my husband and my friends try and console me but I just couldn’t shake this sad and unjust feeling. I’m trying to do good deeds in a not such a good world.. and even then there are people ready to smack you down.

Then, a while later  I came back to one thing; Compassion. I had others reassure me that doing what’s right is sometimes painful. Exceedingly painful.  We’re so wrapped up in keeping animals alive for our own comfort in our own minds that we don’t mind them suffering. People keep the suffering going with the excuse that it’s the right thing, rather than standing up and making the right decisions to actually be kind and show that compassion. We try our absolute upmost to preserve life, sometimes we do not have a choice. Or if we did, it would be from pure selfishness and not for the actual welfare of the animal.

My Aunt told me that there are far worse things that death - and those who think differently have never been in that situation where life is a living hell. She also said that euthanasia could be viewed as the last and greatest gift we can give an animal. This advice comes from a wonderful woman who sadly had to watch her husband fade away without her being able to do anything. Wise words that hit me to the core.

I do agree that if this had been a completely different situation; his life would have probably been saved. However, we have to deal with the facts first hand, and first hand we were pulled one way only.  We don’t have the luxury others do. There’s no friendly rescue down the road to help you pick up the overflow. There’s no government grants or random millionaires willing to spend a few thousand to ensure a humane way of life here. We scrounge and scratch away what we can to keep all of this going - and with the few volunteers that we have, we’re bloody lucky to be able to say we keep El Gouna standards going to a point with what we've got and it's not bloody easy.

So there you go. Compassion. You’ll have your own opinion to this blog, I’m sure. Don’t ever think I don’t second guess my decisions.  Morality is a very difficult thought that I could spend hours wasting anxious thoughts over. I will go to bed again tonight worrying if I’ve done the right thing. But the one thing I do know is that that one boy is not laying there in agony anymore, and with that I can feel a little peace in the midst of upset.

El Gouna Superstars!

When I first arrived in El Gouna, one of the most noticeable things was the fact that unlike other "resort" style cities of Egypt, the animals of the town were well fed and cared for.

I soon discovered "Cat Corners" in key places of town where up to 30 cats live, happily fed and not annoying guests and residents. They also have key feeding stations placed on the outskirts of town to feed the stray dog population and prevent them venturing into town in search of food. I noticed that most of these animals were already neutered, tags in their ears and living out quite peaceful existences, without hassling the locals.. or the locals hassling them!

A few months in, upon closer inspection I realised that actually this was not by chance.. it was purely because of local superstar volunteers who take time out of their busy lives to make sure that these animals can live.

El Gouna Stars has been running a few years; the brainchild by it's founder volunteers as they discovered what an issue both Baladi (street) cats and dogs could be if they are allowed to breed and live their lives without being neutered. Quickly a town can be overrun but kittens and puppies, whom can breed litters themselves as early five months old. If you do the maths.. it becomes quite a scary prospect! We only deal with strays, sadly we cannot ever intervene with privately owned animals which is an entirely different matter again!

Not only do they feed the animals, they care for the sick and injured found by locals. They try and create a standard of liveable conditions for all. They spend their time driving out to stray litters of kittens and sick stray puppies. They spend hours upon hours of time driving too and from the vets in Hurghada. Evenings are taken up by sorting and bagging up the foods kindly donated by the local restaurants. Tireless efforts put in by only a few kind hearts.

Approximately 45 street dogs placed over the Gouna outskirts. About 34 have been neutered by El Gouna stars alone and every day they are trying to catch the remaining few. The cat population is harder to be able to assess, however in the space of two years they have managed to neuter well over 300!

I joined El Gouna stars as a permanent volunteer last Summer, taking on cleaning and care roles for the cats, and trying to help with sourcing donations through social media. Not once have I regretted it.



It is a major issue throughout Egypt, mostly caused by the lack of understanding behind these animals. Most are seen as vermin; large rats without realising that these animals are just trying to survive like everyone else. Unable to receive funding as a charity in this country; El Gouna Stars soon set up a TNR programme (trap/neuter/release) for the area and they've done wonders ever since. They've relied purely on volunteers and donations from across Europe and Egypt to be able to carry on the good work despite not actually being able to fundraise for money or receive help from sponsorship.

What people do not realise is what a flagship these kind of efforts are in Egypt. Egypt itself is very much at the forefront of the modern world in so many ways; yet sadly animal care, and education behind animal care has fallen by the wayside.  Baladi dogs are seen as unclean, and the Baladi cats are seen as pests.

It's crazy considering around the world mix-breeds seem to be the new fad; they are unloved and unwanted. They have strong bloodlines without the incest and inbreeding behind the nasty world of "Pure Blood" breeding techniques.


There are many an initiative in other towns; notably Dahab Animal Welfare and Bluemoon Animal Centre in Hurghada, but like us, they are always struggling to cope because of the enormous responsibility and financial burden that comes with caring for animals. We struggle on knowing that somehow we are doing a good deed for this world.

If you want to find out more, help us by donation or by volunteering..  please look up our Facebook page El Gouna Stars and drop us message. We ALWAYS need your help!

But you don't look sick?!

The victim of any Chronic illness will readily understand the following:

"Hey, how are you today? Are you feeling any better?" - The dreaded opening sentence of basically everyone you have to socially interact with.

You then have two options:

1) I'm fine. 
2) No, I'm really not.

The first one you're blatantly lying through your teeth on.. but by then you're so fed up of the same old rhetoric that you just smile and wave. The people close can spot it a mile off. Others, not so. Some will just gloss over it, others will stop you then and there.

The second option causes a variance of retorts from the patronising "Oh you'll be fine, just give it time" to "Oh no, aren't you ever well?" or how about the famous.. "You're still ill? But you look better!" Then there's that horrible awkwardness afterward, when they ask you to elaborate and you either feel majorly attention seeking, or you're now then boring the pants off the person who asked the question.

You also get this strangely odd feeling, as if you have to validate it. If you're out of the house for an hour or two purely to stop the madness from setting in, or you have a little energy for a change. It's like a slight guilty feeling from the fact you don't look like you're sick for a change.

Lately I've given up on trying to respond full stop.  I've had a multitude of health issues again, that I'm just battling on with. (FYI This isn't a cry for attention, it's just life.)  I'm no different to a vast percentage of the population. In fact, after recent events, I'm feeling quite bloody lucky to have been dealt the cards that I have.

This is just a little blogpost to tell people to be kind to all - You don't always know what's going on behind that smile and wave.

Mental Health, Social Anxiety and Me.

Now before I go any further, I do very much recognise that this blog post is going to be pretty self indulgent. However, in able to talk about mental health issues you have to be able to put your own personal experiences first.  This is quite a tough subject for me; especially as even writing now, it's putting me completely on edge as I type. Then I think that if this blog article goes the way I want it to go, and I get even one person to identify with what I'm writing about, it will all be worth it.

I suffer with severe anxiety; most of it based on being having to be sociable. Over the past few years due to various personal situations it managed to get worse, however, on the other hand it made me begin to recognise where and what I am doing and be able to help myself. I have to give my boyfriend Dan a lot of credit with this. He's made me realise that it's ok to be me, worts and all. This in itself has made me more confident and relaxed in what I am doing, and more comfortable as to when I don't want to do something rather than going along with it for others. I don't know if it's because I'm that little bit older and now able to reflect, or trauma makes you view life a little differently. I'm now in a place where I feel like I can be me without thinking that I'm completely nuts.

To anyone who normally meets me, they think I'm confident, bubbly and that I talk a lot. However beneath that appearance and all the chat, I try and overcompensate with words. I'm normally a bundle of nerves, overthinking every action and word, ensuring I say the right thing or upset someone. I absolutely hate silence; it eats away at my brain and makes me feel even more awkward than when I'm spouting words. I'm well aware that there are many similar to me on the overthinking stakes, it's a common trait.

I became aware of this issue a few years ago, when I was treated by a practitioner who was trying to sort my back problems out. A particular session stuck in my mind when she gave me a sports massage to relax the muscles. At the end of it she commented to me that I physically was incapable of relaxing. Even if my body wanted to, my mind wouldn't let me. Her words were "You are a nervous person; you are stuck in fight or flight mode at all times, and if you cannot manage to let go, your body will suffer for it". My body has been suffering for it for a very long time.

Different actions throughout my life defined my personality traits. I've always been a high achiever, I've always been a worrier. Going through things like CFS and bullying came hand in hand and over the years, it made me socially awkward. I missed so much schooling that I only had a handful of friends who knew me. I've made some good relationship decisions, and some bad ones. I've made the same decisions with work and friends too. All of them effect my mind and make me think a little too much.

My parents and brother desperately used to try and help me. We have an amazing bond as a family unit even now. My Mum pointed out to me recently that even as a little girl I had a soft and nervous disposition. If I was ever told off I'd instantly feel sick and be upset. I look back then and remember that most nights I would sit in bed and think about my whole day. What I could have done or said different to stop certain things happening; how I wish I'd been more witty with a fast comeback. (Saying that, I still do it now!)

From a young age I developed Dermatillomania; I used to obsessively pick at the back of my arms at spots and lumps that were never there, fortunately as I got older mostly I grew out of it. I always remember my parents trying to convince me to stop, and that if I didn't I'd be scarred for life. Even now, I do find that when I'm nervous or stressed I swiftly find myself scratching my head, my chin or forehead as an automatic reaction. I don't even know I'm doing it. I always need to be fiddling when my mind is active. I can't even sit and watch a film without thinking of loads of other bits and bobs at once. Ironically, we brought a fidget spinner back from the UK, Dan won it at the penny arcades; I've found myself using it a lot, it works!

There's different personalities in this world, some (like Dan) feed off other's energies in social situations, he can become the life and soul of the party and bounce around the room. I don't necessarily envy him; it makes me smile because I it's something I love to see. It's what makes him shine.  I do wish that sometimes it was me, but I wouldn't even know where to begin. We're quite polar opposites in ways. My mental energy drains very swiftly and find that as much as I love to be sociable, I find that after a while I'm desperately wanting my home space away from people. I feel panicked and worn out. Don't get me wrong... I absolutely love to be around people. It's a very hard thing to describe and put a label on. It's like having an inner battery that hits a critical level where you need to go home and recharge. I'm well aware that the job and nature of what I do I have to be that sociable bubbly person, so if you see me on low moment, please forgive me.. normal service will resume.

One of my main triggers are large groups of girls together. Laugh as you may, but being bullied at an all girls school for years still sometimes resurfaces.  I was sat next to a giant hen party a while back, the noise of them all gossiping and laughing gave me a full on panic attack. I realised that sometimes these things in your mind won't ever go away.  It's been a good seventeen years since I was in school, maybe with time and practice you can deal with them better, but some things stick. I prefer to spend my time with a small group at a time, or individually. I find that way I can concentrate on the conversation and enjoy. It's hard to battle with the mental strain of feeling like you're an outsider no matter what you do. Not that I need to be inside a group.. It's just the way my brain works.

Another in being put on the spot, and put down in conversation. I absolutely hate it. It makes me panic that I'm going to get whatever the conversation is incorrect. An old boss, whom now I wish I'd reported, used to do this to me on a regular basis. On top of this, if she didn't like my answer she'd call me stupid and a moron. Obviously she had her own issues. I've had a few people in my life with similar disposition as this lady. Some more damaging than others. The amount of things I can now look back on and wish had happened differently.. but I guess you shouldn't really regret your past, it's what can shape your future.

Whilst in my own space I now meditate, I practise yoga and try and release some of that nervous energy. I try and use the negativity in my past to try and push the barrier down in future conversations and panic moments. I find the meditation helps with stopping my brain for a moment. My heart rate slows and I can gain some form of peace. I have to try and stop overthinking if I haven't heard from someone, or try and push myself forward a little more so that I don't shy away from the things I fear. I wouldn't say I'm ok, but I'm alright. I cope. Each day I try and help myself a little more.

Hopefully this post helps others. I'm not entirely sure it helps me but I guess in the long run it will. It's not an easy one to talk about and I couldn't easily fall into more detail about triggers and experiences, but then my bad habit of talking a lot becomes writing a lot instead..

Jen

A year on... El Gouna and not bust!

Well,  it's well over a year ago that I handed in my notice and began the count down to move to Egypt. Well over a year ago that everyone told me they were happy for me, secretly I think they thought I was quite mad. A few actually told me this to my face; however, by then the papers had been given in and the flights had been booked. I had certainly made my mind up.

Ok, it's not quite gone to plan; I'm the first one to admit that. I'm not too sure what I expected when I arrived. I'd moved to a town that I hadn't even visited before, and only knew about three people! I knew that whatever we ended up doing as a business and going head first into a new relationship that it was not necessarily going to be easy. I'd known Dan for three years as a friend, but had only been in a relationship with him for three months before literally dropping everything to be with him on a different continent.

Again I refer you back to the first paragraph. Looking at what I've written it does sound quite mad, quite beyond insane! But all I can say in my defence is that I knew it was right. Something fell into the right place. It was like I finally felt home. A good year later and it still fits, probably better now than ever. I've made myself a home with a fluffy salt-and-peppered haired man, and an even fluffier dog. The both have ways of driving me mad, but I wouldn't change either of them for the world.

Ok, enough of the sentimental tripe. I actually was writing an update... So back to it:

Life out of the fast lane, out of the commute, out of the Politics has been quite strange for me. After eight years of Council Chambers, Highways and Roadworks, dealing with Councillors, MP's and election issues to be able to create my own day really quite left me lost for the first few months. Gaining a routine and sticking to it is quite difficult. It is far too easy to be caught up by the sunshine and lagoons. (It's not all holiday and fun.. I've been diving twice and haven't even learned how to Kite-surf!)

I've spent a lot of time reflecting, almost decompressing from the norms of living the UK way. I'm a lot more relaxed and my anxiety is at an all time low. My CFS and immune system are behaving, and bar a frozen shoulder my body likes living in the desert and heat. It's amazing how your body reacts to the situations you put yourself in. I'm a lot happier and healthier in mind and in body.

We took a break back to the homeland in May, it was heavenly to regain a UK sense of normality and spend time with our loved ones. However, I craved coming back to my new home. For the first time in my life I felt torn between two places. Herne Bay has always and will always be my home, but I've watched it grow and change without me there. It's a very odd experience to see it move on. Not that I had a great impact on where I was living, but I used to walk down the street and see loads of friends and acquaintances, now not so much.

Watching Brexit and the snap General Election was difficult for me. I stayed in the loop but for the first time I truly didn't have an opinion. I wasn't happy on all sides so I stood quietly on the sideline and took note. The one thing I will say is that I'm appalled at just how nasty and vitriolic the world has become. You used to be able to debate, have an opinion and still be able to stay friends, head to the pub for a pint. These days it just doesn't seem possible.

I know I shouldn't really compare, but after living in the Middle East for a while it begins to change your opinion. You see another side of life where, actually you begin to realise just how lucky you truly are. There's a definitive line between rich and poor here, and no benefits to rights to education on the scale of anywhere in the West. People should always fight for the right of what they believe in, but I do sometimes believe that we take things massively out of context.

Anywho, that's me signing off again. I WILL blog more. I've started to write for magazines, and for fun. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy putting down my thoughts and opinions. No time like the present!

Over and out.

Jen

Why I never want to hear the words "Force Majeure" ever again.

This week what have I learned? No matter what language you speak, "Force Majeure" is the same throughout the world.

Finally ZombieBall and Halloweekend have passed. It was a roaring success, yet left such a sweet and sour taste.

Sour you say, why? Well the one thing we didn't counter on being in Egypt and all... was the floods. Thursday 27th of October was, for us, a very, very sad day. Now it's passed I'm begining to feel very sad about it all.

Anyone that works in organisation and planning of events knows that you need to take the highs with the lows. There are normally some giant adrenaline highs pre and during the event, and then successful or not, a major low for the few days afterward. This time it's stuck with me a little longer than what I'd want it to. It doesn't help that my immune system's done it's favourite trick of shutting down on me too, but that's to be expected.

I moved out here in February to see my dreams and concepts come true (and yes, I'm well aware that life isn't THAT easy) but I never thought that post event I'd feel this low. I didn't expect our first event to literally fall apart by the rain. I'd imagined all sorts of scenarios... but the rain? seriously?! But really it's not even the normal time of year IF the floods were to come!

In the scheme of things, Team Submerged got away lightly. Our event nearly was trashed by the fact that most visitors, even from Hurghada couldn't make it down on the roads. They closed off the main road from Cairo, Ras Gharib just 150km away from El Gouna and unfortuntely that really affected everything that we did.

Our poor sponsors and artists took over thirty hours to do a normal five hour trek. Within that time they experienced Mother Nature at full fury; flash floods, camping on top of petrol stations whilst watching people swimming through the mud and seeing others lose thier dear possessions, whether it be thier car or thier home, or worse, thier lives.

Don't get me wrong...we made it through and put on a damn good event. Everyone rallied around each other and helped. It was mental. Our massive set up was put up within 9 hours instead of the planned 48! We worked overtime to ensure that once the doors opened, everything was rightly where it should be.

It went ahead, and yes, ok, we didn't quite get where we wanted to be. I'll be the first to admit that. However we made exactly the impact that we wanted. It proved exactly what I wanted to show. There were so many positives to come away with... the crowds that did make it absolutely loved the design, the party and the concept and had a fantastic night. That's the bit that keeps me very happy despite the sadness.

What I did learn was that working with hundreds of children the day after a large adult's event is... interesting. An hour's sleep after three days of hell only to try and organise 350+ kids on a beach, plus all of thier parents was a success, but not without a few "head in hands" moments. Part of the day was ruined by the post-flood experience so once again it was a rush around to get everything done on top of the groundwork needed within the actual event.

We have a few post-wash up plans on how to improve next year, but for now I feel the need for a little headspace before diving into the next planning. I'm totally lying... I'm already on to the next one as I write!

All I can say is that last weekend we showed what we were made of and then some. If those are the odds that life want to throw against us and we can come out the other end smiling and at least slightly successful... bring it on! (Yes, I know I'm tempting fate with that statement.) I work in a great team, with amazing people from both the location, local companies and community all round. I cannot thank many enough for pulling out all the stops on what was one crazy weekend.

I'm so proud to have done what I've done, I don't regret a single moment. Leaving the UK was the right choice, and I'm even luckier that I get to work with my partner in business and personal life and I wouldn't change it for the world.

In the meantime I'm sparing my thoughts to those poor people in Ras Gharib and further afield. Life can suck, bigtime.