Friday, 29 May 2020

I would tell you a joke about a needle in a haystack, but I don’t think you’d see the point!

I’ve ended up in the same conversation a few times over as of late - stories about being adverse to needles. In-fact, I have a massive phobia of needles that has landed me in some hot water over the years. I thought I’d share them down onto my blog, so that you can all have a great laugh at my expense.

 Now, my background covers a lot of medical experiences and training thanks to a varied work life. I’ve seen so many animal accidents, sicknesses, blood and gore you’d think I’d be used to it by now; but no, I’m really not. It all started back when I was young. My father will always deny this; in fact, he calls me silly for it -  but he started it. He used to chase me, put his fingers at the back of my knees and middle of arms and shout “injection time”. I used to hate it, and even now, I absolutely hate being touched behind my knees or my arms. It makes me feel quite physically sick.

As written about previously, I had major health issues throughout my teenage years. The amount of needles, blood samples, canula fittings I endured must have gone well into the hundreds. All you need is a few bad experiences and BOOM! A phobia is born. Fear is completely stupid, because it’s always completely irrational. But that is exactly what it is. If it wasn’t, we’d all be fearless which in turn would lead to a whole different problem. My fellow animal volunteers find it absolutely hilarious (and perplexing) that I can help with an animal that is falling apart because of a road accident, with blood and guts everywhere... and yet I cannot bring myself to give a small subcutaneous injection under the fur. 


One of the first instances that I can remember is being treated at Great Ormond Street Hospital. The nurses took me to a room, and sat me on a chair to take blood. I always remember my mother specifically telling them that I’d need to lay down as I don’t fair very well...  The next thing I know I woke up on the floor. Mum says to this day that I’d gone the colour of the floor.. a very pale medical green!

I used to be on the DEPPO injection - which is basically the ladies pill in needle form. Once every three months I’d have to have an injection into my butt.. and every three months I’d have the same argument with the nurse about laying down, every time I won. Once time my ex-husband came with me and the nurse was insistent that I just needed to bend over and relax... so I did to prove my point. Once again, I woke up with both the nurse and my ex trying to lift me up onto the table. I was as still and as solid as a rock. Thankfully, she made a note then and there never to give me any sort of needle without laying down ever again. Point proven!

Now one of the more frightening times was a few years ago here in Egypt. 2017 was not a good year for me - I was gravely ill for months - I had an infection that had spread inside my body and really did quite a bit of permanent damage. One of the side effects of the medication (not that I knew it at the time!) was that it gave me tachycardia. On more than a few occasions I’d felt like I was having a heart attack. My heart rate would zoom up to 200bpm without me even doing anything. I had to pop up to Cairo for a tonne of tests as the Doctor in Gouna had told me I had slight heart failure. At 32, with no pre-existing issues. 😳 Anywho, I digress...


One of the main tests needed was a dye based CT scan. They inject the dye into your wrist and 15 minutes late you’re put under the scanner to check the walls of the heart. The nurse was kind of aggressive with the dye. You’re meant to administer it slowly, but no... she shunted that damn needle into my hand like a pressure hose. Dan managed to walk me back out into the waiting room before I keeled over in front of everyone. Interestingly, I had the most amazing dream whilst I was “out for the count”. It was a cool British Winter’s day and I was snuggled up under the most amazing duvet. I didn’t want to move or get up, yet something kept on trying to pull me out of this amazing feeling. I woke up with a start. I was covered in sweat, I had four nurses holding my arms and legs up, smelling salts under my nose and a very upset Dan standing above me. They moved me to a small room to recover, and  fed me apple juice to try and get my sugar levels up. I proceeded to tell Dan about my wonderful dream, and almost how horrible it was to wake up again. He went white as a sheet and asked me not to tell him that ever again. It turns out I’d stopped breathing and had been turning blue for nearly a whole minute after I’d fainted. He’d physically slapped me across my face trying to shock me back into life and genuinely thought that momentarily he’d lost me. I had no clue in my happy little place. Interesting to think that IF that’s the other side, well, I won’t worry so much when it is my time - let’s put it that way. I didn’t tell my parents that story for a good year, purely because I thought they’d freak out. I was right!

Last but not least of these experiences revolves more around Dan in the hospital rather than me! Two years ago he had to experience what I can only call a major operation that NO man would ever voluntarily put themselves through. I will not go into details, but lets just say it left a 8 inch scar in a place that is super uncomfortable even today. Due to the way that hospitals work here ... I became his nurse for weeks, whilst this operation healed. What’s worse is that this operation was open/loose stitched as it needed to be healed from the inside out. (I wont post a picture!). Suffice to say that Nurse Jen was excellent at doing everything except for administering the injections, of which, Dan, the poor soul had to do himself as I found myself going dizzy as soon as I’d mixed the antibiotics to flush into the cannula. 

 The best part of this story though, was the check up two weeks later. When the Doctor heard what I’d been doing he’d invited me to take a look at what he had to do next, which involved removing and re-stitching said area. (It was fascinating, I love this kind of thing!) However, the doctor did most of it without giving poor Dan an anaesthetic. Half way through, he called for a morphine needle... and that’s where it all went wrong for me. As soon as I saw the needle, the room suddenly went smaller. I excused myself to go out and get some air. I went to the toilet to splash myself with water and next thing you know, I’m on the ground. So, I pick myself back up and take myself outside to sit on the marble steps for air... except I never made the marble steps. Well, I did, kind of. I made them by fainting onto them, knocking myself out and smashing my

glasses. I woke up in the bed right next to Dan. The doctor visited me and couldn’t understand where I’d come from.. once again I’d turned so green he didn’t even recognise me! It was only when I managed to choke out that I was with Dan he realised I was the same girl who’d been helping him in the operation not ten minutes before! Lord knows what people must have thought of us that night. I looked a right mess and was still slightly dizzy and concussed, Dan was high as a kite and we both stood outside of McDonald’s, swaying on our own as we downed a large pack of fries and nuggets purely for some energy.

 I’ve had a few hospital experiences since then, fortunately nothing on the same scale as these. The food poisoning and hospital experience that I had last year was so bad that I almost got used to having needles and cannula jabbed into me. I definitely faired better that time...maybe it’ll hold me better stead for next time.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading my adventures with needles. There’s a small tattoo that I would really like to get, yet I still just cannot get over the needle fear, one day... maybe. Until then, no more injections please!





Wednesday, 27 May 2020

Purpose and over-thinking in Isolation.

I’ve just realised I’ve not posted for a whole year - after losing Nan I just hadn’t really had the enthusiasm to write. I’m not entirely sure that I have any more of that good old enthusiasm at this precise moment, but I feel like I’m losing the will to do anything remotely productive so maybe it’s time. It’s a poor excuse, it’s not exactly like I haven’t had the time for the past year - I’m at my most creative when I have purpose, and this year has been sorely lacking that.

I guess I’m feeling a little stuck. I’m hitting 35 in a few months time -  I hear some of my friends cry whilst reading this statement “You’re still young and able” ...but I’m hitting that age where I’m constantly evaluating my purpose in life and really, I’m really just not sure what I’m doing anymore.

Not that I really believe in “Purpose”. Purpose is a social construct built within our own imaginations. We put these pressures and these constraints on ourselves and what we perceive - to fill out our time to believe that we actually mean something to satisfy our own ego. (Yes, that’s just how much I’ve been over-thinking all of this.). I’m a complete sucker for this, I’m forever managing to put stupid pressures on myself and than beating myself up when I cannot achieve them.

Don’t get me wrong, overall I’m happy. I have a wonderful partnership (despite being apart so much.) I’m also ridiculously privileged to even be sitting in the position that I am right now - I spend my life in a beautiful seaside heaven, rescuing animals and basking in paradise. I don’t want to curse it, but even my health hasn’t been too bad this year bar the odd cold. I’m lucky I’m anti-social and introverted as this whole isolation thing hasn’t to bothered me too much. I walk the dog, I look after the cats, I run, I swim, I cook, I read, repeat.

I shouldn’t be whinging yet I feel quite empty a lot of the time. I know it doesn’t help with Dan being away so much.. especially now as he’s stuck away for so long. We have a plan, we’re sticking to it and the end result is completely worth it. 

This post isn’t about that...

The thing is, I’ve always had purpose. Always. I’ve always been working towards my career, or a business goal. Last year when I stopped working I spent a good six months tearing myself up on the inside because I felt guilty for not playing my part. I’ve worked solidly since I left school. The way I’m built and my anxiety does not like the slow lane - I’m not meant for sitting back and letting someone else look after me. (Dan’s never once said that either, he’s been amazing throughout all of this.)

I’m not taking the “family route“. Due to a few personal reasons that part just isn’t going to happen. So it’s not exactly like I’m waiting to start a family. I don’t mind this, it’s not really a talking point. It just is what it is.

I’ve debated going back into study so many times in the past few months - I’ve even whittled down subjects and all. I just cannot, for some reason make that leap. Something keeps holding me back and I’m just not sure why. Self confidence? So much doubt? Practicality? I’m not even very sure where we’ll be located in a year’s time thanks to Dan’s job so is it even worth spending the money studying when it could end up being a giant stress? It’s what keeps me awake at night. I’m forever contemplating what comes next. Once again, over-thinking is ruining it for me!

I guess everyone is feeling this in some way or other at the moment - time will be the key player - I’m very sure that I’m overthinking this all purely thanks to the demons of isolation taking hold. I must just sit back, stop worrying and reassess in a few months time. It’s just a few months time feels so very long away right now! In the meantime I’m running, cycling and swimming and trying to beat those demons. I’m not good at waiting, I’m not a patient person. I like to be pro-active and not reactive.

I’m very sure I’m not the only one having these moments. If you are, and you’re panicking... please believe me when I say that you’re not alone - I’m always a message, tweet or email away. Feel free to chat to me anytime. If I don’t reply it’s because I’m asleep, or having a moment myself.

I’d love to say that I’ll write more blogs. I want to aspire to ensuring at least a few more entries into the 2020 diary.. but we’ll have to see what that brings. 




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