Let's talk about Breasts, Baby!

Let’s cut right to the main subject here: Breasts, Chesticals, Boobies! Whatever you want to call them...

Yes, I have them. Technically we ALL have them; however, strangely enough mine are always a subject up for discussion whether I like it or not — or as soon as I wear the right (or wrong) top. This week I had a few comments from a photo on a boat, it wasn't even that revealing but it just really got to me.  

Over the years this has been a really uncomfortable subject for me. One that causes anxiety and pretty much leaving me second guessing everything that I wear on a daily basis. One that will be leading me down a surgical route in the near future because it’s got that bad. A friend pointed out to me that I talk about "them" negatively, like they're not a part of my body, and it really made me think. I’m hoping to share this to maybe help others with their body confidence, and perhaps not feel the same way about themselves:

I’ve always been quite conservative in the way I dress. I’ve always felt uncomfortable with my size and shape, feel out of sorts when my chest is even slightly on show. The odd time I actually do show "them" off.. I get so much negative attention I just hide away. I’m completely top heavy, low cut or revealing tops just don’t sit right with me. But why do I feel like this? 

My anxiety and body sensitivity stems from one thing and one thing only: Judgement. Judgement from both men and women. It's hilarious because even when writing this, I know there will be someone reading this paragraph, rolling their eyes going "attention seeking!".

I struggle with my size. I can’t just walk into a shop and buy a bra, let alone a bikini. I have a tiny back and big boobs, and anyone who has a size over F Cup will know my issue.. and that’s before I ever start of tops and dress sizing. I have certain friends in similar physical situations… some far more than me! They know my thoughts about it..some feel the same, and some don’t give it a second thought. I wish I was in the latter.

The other day I found a size XL bikini top that tied at the back, which meant I could actually fit it... when I went to buy the Medium bottoms the shop assistant just didn’t get it. She also couldn’t get why i was jumping for joy with tears in my eyes. My first new bikini in two years! Trawling shops for two years! (Before you say you’ve had your bikini for years.. my bras and bikinis only stretch enough for around 6 months then die a nasty misshapen death; another expensive fall out of being well endowed.)

Now back to the judgement: women.

Sometimes women are far worse than men. Which, in this day and age is just upsetting. I hate the media and how women are blindly led to believe they should be X/Y/Z, yet I find myself apart of it purely because of the scrutiny and judgement of others. 

The amount of women assume that if I broach the subject that I’m showing off, or lying about how depressed my breasts make me to gain attention. “You’re not that big!” “I don’t see what your problem is!”  “You should be happy, I’ve got nothing!”  Are the normal responses.

Now I totally get that we, us women, are rarely happy in our own bodies; but I’d never compare or tell someone how they should be feeling about it. I try and lift up and find the positives. (Not to mention I don’t need someone to tell me these things purely on the fact my chiropractor bill kind of shows just how big a problem they really are!) 

My mates who have less can wear strapless dresses and tops, they look fantastic. I always tell them this, it might be slightly riddled with jealousy but it’s also the truth... they have amazing figures that can get away with any look. But I also totally understand if they’re still not happy either. My well endowed friends - I am equally in awe of.. they look tremendous in their own right, yet I wouldn’t ever have the confidence to wear the same apparel. It’s crazy, isn’t it? Self acceptance is as rare as unicorn shit.

I try my best not to talk about boobs anymore. We’re meant to be able to talk about our difficulties, not shy away from them, yet I feel beyond uncomfortable even now, writing this. I know real life isn’t as simple as black and white.. but until we broach these unseen barriers, this kind of taboo conversation just won’t happen. Uplift each other. Jealousy and talking down another person’s body is just mean, insecure and just not nice, and myself and many others are the end product of such toxicity.

Men: Now where do I start with men? (I’m taking Dan out of this generalisation as he’s forever been wonderful to me about this matter.) 

You get all types; you get ones that love them, you get ones that hate them and you get ones that feel the need to make a comment because they’re in front of you whether you like it or not. Whether that’s just nature or not, I still cannot figure out. This is My body...nobody else's...  Is it right and acceptable to point out the bloody obvious and make me feel uncomfortable? I don’t go around saying “LOVE HANDLES!” Or “PENIS BULDGE!”  to others... so unless I know you well and it’s a joke between us.. understand this now - it is not the right thing to do and I really don’t like it. Yes.. I have boobs. Well done!  The excuse of "men will be men" is just not acceptable. We all have breasts, some, including mine are bigger than normal.. but does that mean I shouldn’t show them off encase others make a comment? Should I ignore the comments? Call them out on it? I'm beginning to do so. It's not party pooping, it's maintaining my own mental health. A sly comment here or there can send one person into personal hell, yet people continue to do it.

I spent years with a man that used to tell me, and others that more than a handful was a waste. I spent years believing that I was some top heavy freak that needed to hide them away because having them put means I’m attention seeking. I took in what others said rather than just accepting myself and just being me. To the point that now, I’ve written a whole blog on the fact that I will be getting a reduction and that actually, you should be damn happy with whatever you have, let alone be shamed into keeping them covered. (The reduction is for my own mental health, but also because I know a few who have taken this route and their lives have been completely changed for the better.)

We can’t help genetics. I can’t help being bigger chested than the average. I can choose to ignore, repute or tell others I feel uncomfortable, but the one thing I have realised s the I’ve always judged my own happiness on how I look on other’s opinions. 

That stops now.